job application.

the end of winter is bearing down on us with a singularly great and terrible vengeance. in this season of seasonal adjustments like moving far away and trying to find a job, i offer this job application. it's very specific; i think i deserve to be an "advice columnist" for a major cycling publication. basically ima write an advice column and all y'all can read and see just how damn hireable i am. if you need a "resume", check the blog's history. "all ready" done got posted.

i have trouble riding bikes that cost a lot of money. can you help?

of course i can! first of all: GET SICKER!!! obviously, the only bikes you should be riding are expensive ones. just cos your wallet is thinner than prefontaine on dexatrim doesn't mean you shouldn't go into debt to get what you "deserve" like the rest of the US. if, however, by "trouble" you mean "i can't see for all the bling and carboninium", take heart; cars can't see you anyway, so why would you want to be able to see? make like a williamsburg hipster and ride like you own the city! if you run into shit, it ain't your fault!

i'm doing a triathalon in 3 weeks. what bike should i buy?

go to kMart. they got all kinds up on the wall.

how can i make my bike better than my sister-in-law's?

that depends. is you sister-in-law a hipster? if so, you can't. whatever she's doing is mysterious and wonderful and you can't hope to keep up. otherwise, follow the FBC bike awesomeness flow chart: start with small baubles that cost a lot. $40 bar tape, valve stem bullets, capo forma arm warmers, that sorta thing. move on to things that will make you uncomfortable, like a selle italia carboninium saddle. get some sidi ergo 2s from the most exclusive shop you can find so you don't hafta worry about any of those pesky discounts. maybe some vitorria open corsa evo cx tires. $110 apiece is peace of mind!! then some zero gravity brakes. cos hey! why stop quickly when you can have brakes that have negative drag coefficients?! next, a wipperman stainless chain. again, $110 is peace of mind. did i mention the campy record 11 cassette? on "sale" now at coloradocyclist for ONLY $295.99! how bout mavic r-sys wheelset? remember, anything you spend above and beyond ludicrous is just gravy. and if you and only you can tell how awesome your bike is, you've won the game.

can you give me some training tips? i'm doing the STP in july and i wanna get started now.

the best cyclists all eat like pigs. "carbo load", protein shakes, all that. and if lance armstrong is to be believed, drink lotsa michelob ultra. i mean, nothing says "cyclist" like following a fading icon with a righteous PR machine. sleep a lot; if someone claims to want a "training ride", tell em you just did hill repeats last night and you hafta lay flat to let the lactic acid drain away. learn to pose. go into as many shops as you can and ask the question you just asked me. talk about "carbo lodaing" and protein shakes, your righteous new tires and the carboninium crank you just found on eBay. mechanics are notoriously awestruck people. lastly, whatever else you do, do NOT ride the chilly hilly out on bainbridge. it's an actual ride with actual hills and actual weather. nobody in his (or her!) right mind would want that. too much discomfort. really lastly, have your mechanic build you a wheel on the spot the thursday before STP when no other shop can even afford the time to look at you, and then walk away without even a "thank you", let alone a tip. mechanics totally dig that shit. and if they get pissed, they're also really forgiving. really. they won't remember you at all.

anyway, that should give you a picture of my genius. and again, don't be afraid to peruse my "rèsümê".