making hammers out of pencils.

while perusing the jobs posting on craigslist (CL) (and sneezing violently into my elbow) i came across a position for which i would be perfectly qualified: city clerk/treasurer for the city of cascade, idaho. there's a long list of duties, all of which i can dispatch quickly and easily and "with effervescence". a "synod" follows, as always, conveniently bullet-pointed for the "feint of hart".
."municipal elections (through 1/1/11)." that's easy. i'm also the mayor and the city council and the police chief. and sheriff, for that matter.
."maintaining and collecting fees. . ." let's just shorten that to "collecting fees".
."preparation of ordinance & resolution documents as directed by city council". wouldn't hafta worry about that. there'd be no more city council.
."publish all required notifications in local newspaper as required by statute". i don't know why we gotta listen to a buncha stone or concrete peices of boring public art. scratch this whole deal!
."management of all city documents". i'll manage your documents. WITH A ROUND FILE!!!!
."providing information as requested to the public". what kinda socialist place you think ima run??? "public"? that's for commies and people who live in luxembourg.
."management responsibility for city deputy clerk position". oh shit. i get a "deputy"? guess you can find me at the golf course!!!
."attending all city council meetings and producing the minutes". i can "produce" (make shit up) all kinda minutes!
."preparing council meeting packets prior to meetings". ditto.
."other tasks as requested by mayor or city council". "go to the golf course!" "go home early!" done.
."maintain accounts payable". "no, we don't have any money. . .no, it ain't my fault. maybe next fiscal year. . .no, you can't talk to my supervisor. . .cos he ran off to fiji with YOUR MOM!!!!!!!!!!"
."maintain payroll". i know how to stack that paper on my own desk. what else i needa do?
."prepare monthly financial statements by fund". um. . .grant is on the left, benjamin is on the right.
."maintain general ledger & make journal entries". um, journals is private, bitchez.
."reconcile all general ledger accounts". ain't no "reconcilin" nut'n up in dis joint, aight?!
."prepare records for annual audit by contracted C.P.A. firm". um, records, journals, you guys wanna know ALL my shit, don't you?!
."prepare annual budget". easy: paper in my basket, copper in yours.
."other tasks as requested by mayor or city council". "buy yourself lunch on the city." "take a trip to antigua. on the city." "buy yourself a hummer. on the city." "contract your brother to be the 'drywall supplier' for 3 mil a year."
this job is AWESOME!!!

one other quick "news" item: also posted on the boise "jobs" page: "50$ CASh to break my U Lock". um. . .make that "1000$" in "unmarketed bills" and we'll talk. just don't talk to your crazy neighbour with the angle grinder and the weird glint in his eye. your "U LOCK" may not be all he breaks.
peace.