my mom just asked me for a christmas list. here goes:
1) a HUM-V.
2) a "tat" with the word "RESPECK" in "olde english" script across my scapulae.
3) really expensive jeans.
4) a calfee bamboo frame hung with full Di2 and some ZIPP 808s.
5) one a them "flat brim" hats all the cool fixie kids is carrying.
6) tight-fitting t-shirts with lotsa stuff on em. best if they cost a lot.
7) "tall Ts". size xxxxlarge-long. brighter and flashier is best.
8) a pedicure.
9) 1991 reissue "air jordans".
10) an H2.
11) a membership to the hair club for men.
12) velcro.
13) 70s-era gym socks i can carry as arm warmers.
14) an H3
15) righteus new "alloy" wheels and "mudders" for my H3.
16) anything by fiddy.
17) two cases a hennessey.
18) a .44 magnum.
19) tinted windows for my H2.
20) girls to match my various "wardrobeways".
20a) girls to massage my shoulders while i'm driving to the club to "get tipsy".
21) ice for my lobes.
22) some righteous "skullies".
23) a couple r-f 16" subs for my HUM-V.
24) a "knuckle tat" reading "HUMM ERH3".
25) more velcro.
26) a kegerator.
27) a lifetime supply of coors light for my kegerator.
28) a house in which i can install my kegerator.
29) Au for my freshly waxed chest.
30) visa gift cards with enough cheddar for a salon who'll wax a dude's chest.
'sgone be tight!
13 December 2009
12 December 2009
Su casa es mi casa
I have stolen the following words from the clubhouse and sprinted furtively out the back and down the slick street with them and I will make something with them that I claim is my own, which I will have to keep a secret from you or anyone who knows you, for fear of lawsuits.
snobbery hobbery
regret it til I forget it
"Throw as much wood as you can fit in the stove and maybe some diesel, too" cold.
It is a compliment, but still when you discover this theft, it sucks to be you. You feel so violated. I wish I still drank beer, specifically the slightly skunky smelling kind, Rolling Rock for example. Those tasted exactly like they smelled which was so great that it made a person confused and itchy. Smelling and tasting would be hard to give up.
Did you ever imagine trying to describe a sense to somebody if the sense didn't exist and you were proposing it? Seeing for example would sound completely crazy. "You will have 2 squishy sort of gelatinous round parts of your body and you will POINT THESE at something, and light will bounce off the thing and some of it will bounce into your gelatinous part, or both of them would be better yet, but not absolutely necessary, and this will enable you to KNOW THINGS about the thing. But you can only know things about the side of the thing facing the gelatinous body part, not about the side of the thing farther away from the gelatinous body part. Also if something is between the gelatinous body part and the object, this flat out won't work." The only people who would even stick around to listen to it without hitting you with a frying pan would be people you wouldn't really want to talk to. People who play really complicated video games for hours, possibly.
Anyhow, where did all those labels come from? Did we vote on those? That's what happens when somebody lets the blog dashboard get damp. I'm borrowing a few of those, too.
snobbery hobbery
regret it til I forget it
"Throw as much wood as you can fit in the stove and maybe some diesel, too" cold.
It is a compliment, but still when you discover this theft, it sucks to be you. You feel so violated. I wish I still drank beer, specifically the slightly skunky smelling kind, Rolling Rock for example. Those tasted exactly like they smelled which was so great that it made a person confused and itchy. Smelling and tasting would be hard to give up.
Did you ever imagine trying to describe a sense to somebody if the sense didn't exist and you were proposing it? Seeing for example would sound completely crazy. "You will have 2 squishy sort of gelatinous round parts of your body and you will POINT THESE at something, and light will bounce off the thing and some of it will bounce into your gelatinous part, or both of them would be better yet, but not absolutely necessary, and this will enable you to KNOW THINGS about the thing. But you can only know things about the side of the thing facing the gelatinous body part, not about the side of the thing farther away from the gelatinous body part. Also if something is between the gelatinous body part and the object, this flat out won't work." The only people who would even stick around to listen to it without hitting you with a frying pan would be people you wouldn't really want to talk to. People who play really complicated video games for hours, possibly.
Anyhow, where did all those labels come from? Did we vote on those? That's what happens when somebody lets the blog dashboard get damp. I'm borrowing a few of those, too.
10 December 2009
gifting horses.
i'll begin with an admission: i like beer. beer tastes good. two pints of it generally gives a warm feeling; maybe a bit more willingness than usual to speak about what's on my mind. while it hasn't helped me dance, as the bumper sticker says, it has given me another outlet for one of my favourite hobbies: snobbery. some might not agree with me that this is a generally good thing, but i say that without snobbery, i'm quite close to nothing. being one who avoids absolutes, i tend to aim for the middle of the beer continuum. porters, browns, reds, ambers, and pales. i don't like many "american lagers", which are like "american 'cheese'". budweiser, miller, coors, pabst blue ribbon, rainier, all of those canned beers. hand me a "spaten pils" and i'll drink it. elysian's "perseus porter"? done. PBR, though? gives me heartburn. this isn't a metaphor. it seriously gives me heartburn. don't think i haven't tried to like it. hipsters dig PBR. bike snobs dig PBR. ski bums dig PBR. musicians dig PBR. i drink it and i regret until i forget and then try again, cycle after cycle.
i'll continue with another admission: i dig tips. i don't get tipped very often in the bike world, but i do in the ski world. i haven't figured this dichotomy out, but i also haven't really tried. i bring it up every time tipping arises in conversation, but i don't really listen to anyone's thoughts or provide my own, and thus remain voluntarily ignorant and a bit hypocritical. which are two more of my hobbies.
i'll add a story: last april i made an adapter plate for a customer so he could swap his alpine and tele setups easily while using one pair of skis. it involved a demo binding, some steel plating, a drill press, some rain and 8 hours of labour. when i was done, it was a passable setup, if a bit janky. fast forward to today, and a customer walks in with a similar setup, this using a UHMW plastic sort of materièl in place of the steel plating; otherwise it was identical. today's customer, however, had broken the demo plate part of his binding, causing what i'd call an "awesomeness void". my boss happened to be skiing with him, and his term for the incident was a "crash". i loaned the customer my own skis, sent him on his way and set out on the attack. details aside, it took three hours of wrangling, some free-to-the-customer parts and a lot of dremel grinding before i yelled "i win!" and handed the customer his skis back. my boss said it was a learning experience and sent the customer on his way, free of charge. NOW. . .were i in the customer's position, say in girdwood AK, i'd have proffered what cash i had in my wallet in gratitude. not so, this customer. he simply grunted and walked away, returning a few minutes later with a twelve of PBR. no pepto, just PBR.
i'll add a conclusion: unless things have changed, SHITTY BEER DOESN'T PAY RENT. while i have seen a couple cans of rainier in my landlord's fridge, the only non-currency currency i've found that i can use in lieu of rent is free-range, farm-fresh eggs. in the 18 pack.
that is all.
i'll continue with another admission: i dig tips. i don't get tipped very often in the bike world, but i do in the ski world. i haven't figured this dichotomy out, but i also haven't really tried. i bring it up every time tipping arises in conversation, but i don't really listen to anyone's thoughts or provide my own, and thus remain voluntarily ignorant and a bit hypocritical. which are two more of my hobbies.
i'll add a story: last april i made an adapter plate for a customer so he could swap his alpine and tele setups easily while using one pair of skis. it involved a demo binding, some steel plating, a drill press, some rain and 8 hours of labour. when i was done, it was a passable setup, if a bit janky. fast forward to today, and a customer walks in with a similar setup, this using a UHMW plastic sort of materièl in place of the steel plating; otherwise it was identical. today's customer, however, had broken the demo plate part of his binding, causing what i'd call an "awesomeness void". my boss happened to be skiing with him, and his term for the incident was a "crash". i loaned the customer my own skis, sent him on his way and set out on the attack. details aside, it took three hours of wrangling, some free-to-the-customer parts and a lot of dremel grinding before i yelled "i win!" and handed the customer his skis back. my boss said it was a learning experience and sent the customer on his way, free of charge. NOW. . .were i in the customer's position, say in girdwood AK, i'd have proffered what cash i had in my wallet in gratitude. not so, this customer. he simply grunted and walked away, returning a few minutes later with a twelve of PBR. no pepto, just PBR.
i'll add a conclusion: unless things have changed, SHITTY BEER DOESN'T PAY RENT. while i have seen a couple cans of rainier in my landlord's fridge, the only non-currency currency i've found that i can use in lieu of rent is free-range, farm-fresh eggs. in the 18 pack.
that is all.
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