ad companies would do well to hire me.

as a righteously shrewd observer of modern pop culture, i've noticed a trend, what i think ad companies and marketing departments may possibly refer to as "anticipating the season", or what i'll refer to as "not being able to read a damn calendar".
since the "valentine's seasonway" is upon us, i've been thinking about romance. while i've no lasting direct experience with this phenomenon, i have noticed some things. people talk about this "hooking up" stuff as if it happens as easy as clipping ones fingernails. my junior coworker has a few of these situations in his wake, one i refer to as "number 3"; one i refer to with a simple snort of the nose. i know there are others, but they've wandered off to other situations and are more in the "out of sight, out of mind" zone. one night recently we were drinking at the snelk and i stole some nachos and he told me i should "hook up" with the girl from whom i did steal said nachos. "she was making eyes with the velvet cowboy, or didn't you notice?" i obviously didn't. i don't seem to attract "eyemaking" any more than i attract "rabid beavers". i do seem to attract anger, sneers, disappointment, disdain, disinterest, thank yous "for letting me bitch"--often about other dudes--that sort of thing.
folks often also refer to "dating" or "asking her out" as though they are simple and easy to accomplish "universals", but i don't honestly know what either of those terms mean. it seems that "dating" would refer to a relationship where two characters go on more than one or two dates, but all the times i've tried to clarify the situation with friends, i get some vague answers. "chemistry" is thrown around with some weight, but when i ask what it means, i get another vague answer. "when it feels right." "when you want to jump your date's bones." i don't know what wanting to jump over a long dead friend's decomposed body has to do with anything. and "when it feels right"? every time something has "felt right" to me i have attracted the above-mentioned anger, sneers, disappointment, disdain and disinterest.
maybe i should just attach my own meaning to "chemistry" for now and stop thinking so hard. when i was a sophomore i had a chemistry lab partner for first semester who was completely satisfied with whatever grade i earned for us. she would be physically present but otherwise utterly absent. maybe i should start chasing down "romantic situations" where i despise the woman in question. that'd square with my experience in "chemistry".
as far as "dates" are concerned, i've also had some "mixed" (marketing speak for "shitty") results. i've been told that "skiing is not a date", and if you go by the end result, that's most certainly the case. but by the same description, the other dates i've been on could also be described as "not 'date' dates": the "take the noticeably uninterested girl to see 'les misèrables' on the night of your best friend's 20th birthday in the hope that she sees your 'sensitive side'" date, the "death cab for cutie" date (same reason), the "hiking date", the "riding date", the "titanic the movie date", the "drive around whatcom and skagit counties aimlessly" date, the "clayton beach date" (twice, two different women), the "go see the best performance of 'carmina burana' you've ever seen--which you've seen five different times--and hide the fact that from 'stetit puella' on you're bawling and when you ask her what she thought about the performance she says 'eh, it was okay. . .i'm hungry" date, the "movie date", the "seattle for the sake of seattle" date, the awkward "sell some cds and go back to her parents' house and watch a movie and be too scared too take off your shoes or sit anywhere near her" date, the "get your friends to help you push-start your car that has a malfunctioning starter and hold hands somewhat secretly and awkwardly on the way down from greenwater" date, the "go see theatre sports at the market and hold hands (also somewhat secretly and awkwardly) on the way back to your friend's mom's minivan" date. then again, if you apply one definition--it's not a "date" unless you agree in so many words that it is a "date"--of date (given me by one of the women in a few of the above "not 'date' dates"), then i've not been on a "date" since i was sixteen. (the "titanic the movie" date.) twelve full years, now. when i read it that way, vague or not, it's a bit daunting, even though my name is finnish for awesome.
an aside (i'm feeling a bit loquacious today.): the chronology--each number represents a completely different day--for the "death cab for cutie" date: 1) ask her if she's got a ticket for the show. 2) while carrying a massive bag of dripping garbage to the back of the safeway, ask if she wants to see the show. 3) tell her you have an extra ticket for the show. 4) ask her if she wants said ticket. 5) ask her for a ride to the show. 6) nervously wait outside the safeway for her to get off work. shut off entirely when she says the dreaded phrase "i hate snow".
and i have no idea what "going outside" has to do with "romance", but apparently walking through doors is pretty damn awesome.
carry on!