aside from allowing myself to be offended by a comment from a friend that was meant in a harmless boosteristic fashion more than anything else that i took instead to be a comment on the political landscape of this entire state and my own diminished place in it, nothing happened today. i'll get around to apologising to her for my anger, i think, but it may take me a while to "simmer down".
with that, ima make some shit up. and ima bullet-point it. snocka!
.if you wish to move to seattle, you must pass a test. i snuck in last summer by not changing my voter registration, but i think they're onto me. this summer, ima move to the coastal town of bangladesh, greenland.
."snow" is formed exclusively on evaporated salt crystals. that's why the wasatch range gets more snow than similar ranges to the north and south.
."baseball" was invented by norwegians vacationing in the south of france.
."floods" are really just gobs of kangaroo spit.
."telephones" are not communication devices; they are another way for the illuminati to spy on us.
."diamonds" are not actually heavily compressed carbon, but rather alien jet fuel that was dumped here many millennia ago and buried by the fickle wind.
."jets" fly due to "linguini's 'principal'": that awesomeness has negative gravity. that explains why i can fly as well.
.my "dad" was a supersecretspyerguy who trained the likes of james bond and maxwell smart.
."james bond" was NOT a figment of ian fleming's imagination. i have pictures of him having beers with my "dad".
."women's purses" are actually made to carry hidden portions of focused, amorphous "male kryptonite".
."bald dudes" have low- to midlevel superpowers such as the fabled "1-inch punch" and "MRI vision".
."librarians" all have ESP.
."rain" adds 10% to the average adult's IQ.
."internal 'combustions' engines" are driven by elf sneezes.
."bicycles" stay upright due to their innate ability to assume the riders' willpower and desire.
."'nuculer' reactions" are caused by "elven flatulence".
.the "english language" was created by a man named "bill" in the 3rd century BC and hidden from human sight until william the conqueror fell in love with his second cousin, "genevieve", in 1055AD. it predates such things as "eating" and "drinking".
anyway, to quote george carlin, "these are the thoughts that kept me out of the really good schools."
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