the fbc dating school.

it'll start with gentle coaching. simple answers to questions.
"what are you up to today?" would be answered with "work".
"any plans for the weekend?": "gettin coffee and readin a book. ALONE."
"how ya feelin?": "eh."

i'll throw in thoughts about non-commital shrugs, cocky smirks and arrogant declamation techniques. thoughts on self-pity and destroying that pesky self-confidence.

i'll encourage students to forget about personal appearance and manners, and to be COMPLETELY SELF-CONSCIOUS ABOUT IT.

i'll give ideas for hobbies (that'll hopefully blossom into full-blown obsessions) such as solo backcountry skiing, solo mountain climbing, solo mountain biking and NEVER LEAVING THE HOUSE TO MEET PEOPLE.

i'll teach the mantra "i hate people" and we'll mutter it together, in separate rooms. when we've mastered this mantra, i'll add in another: "never let anyone in at any cost".

i'll lead students to jobs where they'll feel superior to their customers and where the only customer interaction will be to show said superiority. like a bike mechanic, messenger, auto mechanic, that sort of thing. social, engaging jobs like pumping coffee or tending bar will not be encouraged, unless the student is fully confident in his or her ability to remain at an absolute distance from EVERYONE.

i'll show how to recognise that there is never a good time to ask for a date unless the student is firmly "in the friend zone."

helpful refridgerator magnets: "do you REALLY know her?" "i bet he just acts interested. he's not." "what if she doesn't ski?" "you wouldn't ACTUALLY want to camp with this dude."

in just a few short sessions i'll have students repelling prospective "dates" LIKE THE HINDEBURG!

in other news, the library has been closed for a week. maybe every librarian in seattle forgot where "work" is.