the FBC "resumé".

it's raining today, so i don't hafta be out "actually doing something". this gives me time to update my "rësumè". and actually, since i haven't really "looked for a job" in almost two full years, it gives me time to make an entire new one. here goes.

FBC, esq.
okay, really, do you need my mailing address and phone number? cos i don't feel comfortable giving you that information. the government knows where i am, and you can probly buy the info from experian or jp morgan chase anyway.

{cover letter}
if you are looking at this "rêumé", you probly already know that i am awesome. you should hire me to do whatever it is that "awesome people" do at in your corporation, and "compensitise" me handsomely. like, seriously. i'm talkin vintage '05, beechwood aged, extra sharp, "prívate label" cheddar. the kind that come with a warning label. none a that off-brand corner shit. cos i'm awesome, and that's what i get paid to be. you're gonna want me as your #1 teamster.

{"employment" history}
all right. once again, you can find this information elsewhere. instead, ima use this space to "drop" all my "exprientialistic" bidness.
1. i started skiing when i was 18 months old. that makes me a) brilliant and b) awesome.
2. i totally slayed the lionel hampton jazz festival when i was like 16. got a "solo award" and everything. if you din't already know, "solo award" mean "don't need no damn backing band."
3. i can drive a tractor.
4. did i mention that my name is finnish for "awesome"?
5. one time, i hit my oldest brother in the head with a potato for agreeing with me.
6. another time, i hit my middle brother in the head with a rock, cos it was there.
7. i once took a "writing class" from "contemporary crime writer" g.m. ford. what?!
8. my subaru is gold, and i've only seen two like it. theirs weren't as awesome cos i wasn't driving them.
9. see number 4.
10. see number 1.
11. see number 3.

{references}
aight, listen up, cos i'm on'y gone say dis once.
1. i skied on the same pitch at relatively the same time as ingrid backstrom, aka "the best damn female skier ever". her pops gave me a hug on father's day '07. she done tole me i make "nice turns". deez.
2. i rode the chair a couple spots back from laura ogden, aka "women's ifsa world champion" in like '06, once.
3. the last show i played was opening for david bazan.

this is good. i can already feel the cheddar startin to flow.