140 is the new 90.

some important news headlines, brought to you by yahoo.com:
.lady gaga weeps at show.
.victoria's secret workouts.
.player blames higher power for mistake.
.fiji water leaves fiji.

now, i'm always interested in learning new things. i, for one, did not know that queen victoria had secret workouts. nor did i know that she was still alive. i was under the impression that she had died in 1901. apparently i was wrong.
secondly, i was also under the impression that fiji water has been leaving fiji for quite some time. i have been able to purchase it in "better" grocers for many years. not sure how this is news.
thirdly, i have no idea who lady gaga is. apparently babies are making records.
fourthly, blaming higher powers for mistakes is nothing new, either. most wars in recorded history have been fought under the same auspices.

some important news headlines, brought to you by king5:
.HS Football 2A Semifinals: Tumwater 63, E. Valley 27. ouch!
.La Nina: Be prepared for a harsher winter. let me trasnlate: "Ranina: გთხოვთ მომზადდეს ზამთარში, "განაცხადა მან."
.men growing moustaches for cancer awareness. now THERE'S some news i can relate to. i'm growing my moustache for awesomeness awareness!
.the fortysomething report: stop rudeness at the source. i din't realise "rudeness" was a quality of being "fortysomething". (or is it "fortisomething"?)

some important news headlines, brought to you by the hermit club:
.i'm not wearing socks.
.nor am i wearing underpants. i am wearing pajamas, however.
.i took a shower. i got clean. i used shampoo cos we are out of soap and are moving tomorrow to a new place where i have already been showering and as such have soap and don't want to buy soap for one place when i have soap at the other.
.there are sixteen tacks on the table next to me, all face down, sticker point up.
.i can make the door open and close almost imperceptibly by bouncing up and down on the exercise ball we're using for a computer chair cos it helps my back.
.a ski instructor offered me some poppy seed loaf he claimed would make me feel like i took acid. i declined. he claimed that the "combonation" of poppy and thc would do the trick.
.i shaved my face.
.for a little bit, the internet went haywire. then it stopped being haywire and started being normal again.
.i have skied approximately 905 days in the eleven seasons since since high school. i've been slacking the last six seasons, though, cos my first five i averaged 100 days a year.

anyway, it's been a slow day. i have my "Albertsons Preferred SAVINGS CARD" so things are looking up.

i'm sposeta be doing the dishes.

in really big news, the ground here around the "fram" is white. not from my dandruff, or anything, but from actual snow. the roads are a kinda "glazed doughnut" surface in spots where it hasn't been plowed and de-iced. heads is trippin, if you will. the forecast for this afternoon is "Snow. 27 around 17:00 temperatures fall later. Breezy, making 23 miles per hour between north and 20 miles northwest of 11-8 per hour winds east-southeast. 100% chance of rain. Susugi Tsumoru Sun 4-2 inches possible in total." for tomorrow: "sunny". i don't know if that's possible. this whole "snow" story has LEGS, bitchez! ima report it to death before it gets warm again. (sorry. some kiro-tv producers just hijacked my brain for a minute.)
in smaller news, i ate a lot last night. had some beer. it was fun. now i'm in my pajamas at 12.04 in the afternoon. on the way to tacoma from the hill last night i bought some "comfortsoft waistband™ premium boxer briefs" that feel kinda like pajamas, too. i like them, as long as i don't look at how unflattering they are. they kinda accentuate my "norwegianness".
also, crystal opened last friday on 16" of snow. that fell on top of the dirt. there were angry customers. i had a few who demanded free repairs. as though i had pulled them outa bed at gunpoint and demanded that they head to the hills and ski uncovered pitches on opening day. shrug. it was kinda funny.
(um, i think i got hijacked again.)
the world is gonna end. it's snowing so hard i can't pee. i'm going to stick my four hundred dollar snow boot in that three inches of snow to show you just how dangerous it is out there. don't go outside or the sky will fall on you. did i mention it's really cold and windy and snowy? it so snowy that it's white on the ground. leave everything to the experts or you'll all die.
(ah! got control back. them pesky news reporters.)
anyway, i think my work here is done.

The Way I See It.

the heads at crystal are tryna open this weekend based on a forecast that is already completely wrong. baker got snow, the lowlands got rain, alpy got snow, and there's four inches on the ground at crystal. hm.
with that, a full description of my day:
.woke up ready to go skiing.
.thought about skiing.
.went to go skiing, but first perused the avalanche centre's telemetry for chinook, saw that nothing had happened, but decided to hope for the best.
.should have perused the DOT site.
.thought about skiing.
.did not peruse the DOT site.
.got to buckley and saw the chinook pass distance covered by a "closed" sign.
.thought about skiing.
.thought that maybe that sign was left up from when it closed temporarily back in october.
.thought about skiing.
.got coffee.
.saw the signs in enumclaw that said "passes closed" and swore a bit.
.maybe punched the steering wheel. then the subie kinda chugged and wouldn't accelerate for a couple miles.
.got to the bottom of the boulevard as the ranger was securing the "closed for the winter" lock on the park gate. almost got out and called him unprintable names.
.got to the shop to tune a pair of skis and found that the power was out, negating the rest of my reasoning for going into the mountains in the first place.
.turned around and drove back home.
.thought about skiing.
.got distracted at the borders by ski and bike magazines.
.drove the rest of the way home.
.checked the clock--1.45 pm.
.checked the avalanche centre's telemetry again.
.checked the avalanche centre's telemetry again.
.checked the avalanche centre's telemetry again.
.checked the avalanche centre's telemetry again.
.checked the avalanche centre's telemetry again.
.checked the avalanche centre's telemetry again.
.looked at the weather service's forecast discussion.
.checked the avalanche centre's telemetry again.
.checked the avalanche centre's telemetry again.
.checked the avalanche centre's telemetry again.
.checked the avalanche centre's telemetry again.
.checked the avalanche centre's telemetry again.
.checked the avalanche centre's telemetry again.
.looked at the weather service's forcast discussion.
.checked the avalanche centre's telemetry again.
.checked the avalanche centre's telemetry again.
.checked the avalanche centre's telemetry again.
.checked the avalanche centre's telemetry again.
.checked the avalanche centre's telemetry again.
.checked the avalanche centre's telemetry again.
.looked at the weather service's forcast discussion.
.checked the avalanche centre's telemetry again.
.checked the avalanche centre's telemetry again.
.checked the avalanche centre's telemetry again.
.checked the avalanche centre's telemetry again.
.checked the avalanche centre's telemetry again.
.checked the avalanche centre's telemetry again.
.looked at the weather service's forcast discussion.
.checked the clock--1.47 pm.
.thought about skiing.
.looked at mt baker's snow report. decided that this is the only time of year howat isn't a complete idiot.
.thought about skiing.
.looked at the crystal snow report. tiana claims we'll get forty fkn inches by friday. so far we've got about ten. with no more storms coming. weird.
.checked the avalanche centre's telemetry again.
.checked the avalanche centre's telemetry again.
.checked the avalanche centre's telemetry again.
.checked the avalanche centre's telemetry again.
.checked the avalanche centre's telemetry again.
.checked the avalanche centre's telemetry again.
.looked at the weather service's forcast discussion.
.took a shower. not cos i was dirty or sweaty, but cos it's what i do when i'm bored.
.thought about skiing.
.watched some extras on the new matchstick dvd.
.thought about skiing.
.drank a beer.
.got food.
.thought about skiing.
.watched some more extras on the new matchstick dvd.
.thought about skiing.
.peeled shallots. found out that they fit under the "onion" apron when it comes to teary eyes.
.thought about skiing.
.burned the leftover bacon that was in the pan.
.drank a beer.
.started sautéeing asparagus.
.thought about skiing.
.found out that one shouldn't put cayenne pepper in a hot skillet. and that it really hurts the eyes. and makes you cough. and your roommate disappear.
.undercooked the sausage.
.ate abuncha food. actually, despite the fuckups, it was awesome.
.thought about skiing.
.drank a beer.
.checked the avalanche centre's telemetry again.
.checked the avalanche centre's telemetry again.
.checked the avalanche centre's telemetry again.
.checked the avalanche centre's telemetry again.
.checked the avalanche centre's telemetry again.
.checked the avalanche centre's telemetry again.
.looked at the weather service's forcast discussion.
.thought about skiing.
.drank a beer and ate chocolate (nature's recompense for a severe lack of snow).
.forgot whatever the hell it was i set out to do in life.

The low reliability of time.

in other news, it's sposeta snow all kinda tomorrow and tomorrow night. like almost two feet. granted, the upper silver creek drainage might get skipped as it often does, but still. the weather service is calling it a "winter storm watch". i like the sound of that. here's some more "traslation" of their forecast discussion:
"Short ... 50N 135W near being connected to enhance Low
KT is a strong 170 300 Megabaitomoderu jet trails that appear to develop
Lower system Megabaitoofupiku 980 985 ~ south Charlottes
Before Korea have declined in a way that you are abroad
Waters. Rain and mountain snow will accompany the front lines of this system
Early spread of water and land
Water, 12 hour reception 18Z QPF, and travels through Western Washington
At the level of the surrounding snow generally from 1.0 to 1.5 inches in the Cascade
That is 3000 feet, cascading look Winter Storm Warning
Good. In a short period of flow, detailed post-westerly winds may click here to keep
Go to the Cascades snow Wed night"

there is also mention of "modified arctic air", which always causes the tv weatherheads to go apeshit and start calling for "arctic blast 2010", which is fun to watch if a bit repetitive. i mean, there are "arctic blasts" every year or two, and none of us die aside from some incredible dumbasses who cook on charcoal grills in the kitchen. but hey! free entertainment!

here's some more:
"It is within a vicinity of the North wind along the coast and GET
The front will move through it. However, the strength of the jet ... read
In the northern interior of the frontal air must appear SELY
Jasutosutei under advisory level, the wind. POST west front of the Sun
Afternoon and evening that it expects the number of lighter
Wed night experience.

We break the soil between the front of the family is likely Wednesday
Low water and energy offshore wound. The AP
Please refer to the cloud ... luckily ... maybe some showers and SUNBREAKS ...
Yo 40s temperatures."

this is just too fun.
"GFS solution of southwest WA abeam considered low attenuation's
Beach Friday night, you will need to allow some of the cool air it
WA W bulb development in Western Canada is cold to instill 却湿
Moderate to low flow temperatures, the light of the AT 850 NELY
The ORDER - 3C is - 5C in the ON MB may cause some mixed precipitation
If it is heavy enough. Friday ... GFS has shows around the region
The Bellingham, E slopes of the Olympics ... and the universe ... Kanarufudo
Kitts Peninsula is likely to please see some snow. Temperature
It just closed. Continuing uncertainty around people ...
You must continually monitor the prediction that the area involved.
The low reliability of time. Albrecht

. Long-term debate over the long term, as follows: ... before ... there seems to be
Be sure to extend at least two lanes of snow. One is just that
Parking on the lower left of the cold air associated with the deep
Western Washington. Could easily have a few snow showers and rain all
Components. Beginning of a slump Friday night every night
Low in the mid 30s. Opportunity to use the bath, such as rain and snow
The text is mostly extended.

The second method, the revised polar involves passing an AIR OUT
Canada. Euro and GFS are not particularly strong
Brings cold air south ... but it remains possible. In this case,
The cold air mass will be enough snow for sure. However,
You can push all the clouds just outside the area of cold air.
The model also results, the first hint that a second display
We are both very dry. Any certainty, the fact that there
Rain and snow are expected Burodoburashichansu rain.

WHILE GFS euro Tuesday starting to heat from a number of things
I rely on the state towards the euro on Tuesday. Lightning"

wow. now we're cooking with SELY Jasutosutei.

i can't grow up cos i'm too old now.

today's another exciting day here on the "fram". day one of true unemployment, though whether i've really ever been "employed" is subject to debate. digging 1000 to 2000 cubic holes for tower footings "backinaday" may have been "real work", though i ain't sure i really attacked it the way i was supposed to. i really just enjoyed rolling rocks down the hill and watching where they went, even when we were sposeta keep all the spoils by the footing for backfill. i worked at the safeway pushing carts for two years, which most teenagers think of as real work, but i started at twenny and kept at it until they got tired of having the bald guy doing sixteen year olds' work and gave me a checkstand. the only time checking was hard was when i'd done a tuesday overnight price changing shift, skied my brains out wednesday, worked at crystal thursday and then gone back to the safeway thursday evening for a checking shift. pumpimg gas in high school was more just getting paid to do my homework and write poetry and check out the women driving by. while a liftie i sometimes hadda dig a buncha snow, but in the end, i averaged two hours a day skiing and really just stood there making sure no one ate shit on my ramp. long story short, i don't hafta work for the foreseeable future.
that said, i'm checking the noaa forecast discussions every few hours just in case. a "translation" of this follows:
"... Today is the front format, will be applied during rain and cool
The system moved west to Washington. Tonight, as applied wind
Developed a strong pressure gradient. Articles After calming
Tuesday ... more aggressive system will bring rain and snow on the mountain
Wednesday, Wednesday night. Cold weather and a chance
Precipitation is expected late this weekend."
i'm also arranging the "iTunes" bidness on this mac. there's abuncha songs that are, according to kris kristofferson, most definitely "country", and yet, according to "iTunes", are "rock", "pop" or "folk". shame. shit needa be right, yo!! so i'm puttin in my time.
in other news, i totally just slayed a "muga" righteous "raspberry zinger tea". this takes some serious concentration. "raspberry zinger" is the "rye whiskey of herbal teas", as you may well know. very aggressive, with a subtle tang off the back. just a hint of argentine malbec with a cliff lee curveball of oats 'n hunny. maybe a smack'em of toasted almonds.
speaking of malbec, saturday the ballard qfc was hosting an "open house", which really just consisted of lots of free food. if you din't already guess, i'm down with free food. qfc was my "goto" for lunch this summer, entirely cos a the free cheese samples out by the southwest entrance. at any rate, the head sommelier was giving out free one-ounce shots of four types of wine, of which i tried two. the first was a "layer cake malbec". (mid-length aside--i just checked how to spell "sommelier", and i found two differing opinions. one of them was a dude reviewing, oddly enough, a "layer cake shiraz", which was one of the options being flogged by the qfc dude. the blogger claimed to "know what a sommalier is and even how to spell it", but the other opinion was none other than the "free merriam-webster dictionary", which, though i am wrong every day, i think would be more right than some random dude, and it said "sommelier". anyway.) the second was some other kind i don't remember. two ounces of wine and i was done. not drunk or anything, but done with wine for another year. there were also more cheeses and all kinda random shit layed out, including "eggnog" that was more 7UP and ice cream than anything else (a very good thing) and some random layer cake. (again with the stretched connections.) we almost had our fill right there, but we also got some sushi from the "bar", something i've been warned against by three coworkers, yet i continue to do for a couple reasons: 1) i have a cast-iron stomach and 2) i could give a shit about "pure" sushi. the stuff at qfc tastes real good despite all the pretentions to the contrary.
in other other news, my back has been flooded for about two weeks. i had it licked, almost, but yesterday i slept in about two hours too long and now i hafta go through a routine of a long walk, heat, massage and stretching before it loosens up enough not suck entirely. this gettin old shit is gettin old.
maybe i needa take a book outa the charlie kelly bible and start drinkin beer, sniffin glue and eatin cat food before bed so i can get sick and fall asleep and forget my "problems".

waiting time again.

as is the wont of cascade weather patterns most novembers, it's not snowing. the air is cold and wet, the clouds are rolling along briskly--and most importanly, not stopping--and as such, it seems like it should be snowing, and maybe it is somewhere, but not here. in alignment with this somewhat contradictory weather, i am, even as a skier, kinda happy. i will be out of work until it snows, and i totally could use a few days off. i've been geetting paid to hold up benches for over 12 months straight, and dammit, i need a rest!!! it's hard work convincing people that turning barrel adjusters and pushing skis through machines (that do all the work) is hard work. i hafta get myself all dirty and sweaty so they think i'm "getting a lot done" when i reality, all i'm doing is getting a free season pass and cheap bike parts. with all my prairie lutheran guilt, you'd think i'd care about this poorly crafted "career", but i don't. i'm worth way the heck more than 15 bucks and hour, as my alter-ego can attest. in the land of my dreams, experienced ski/bike mechanics earn $30+ an hour, have free health care, get paid to go to "shamrock finding school", have grapes fed to them by naked slaves and ski all day without getting tired. oh, they also get weekly "makeovers" from that one chick who hosts "america's next top model". and wear patagucci flannels that are pre-distressed so that they can look even more "authenticated".
in other news, today is moving day #2 of who-knows-how-many. we are moving a bed and some other "schtuff" that requires use of my father's pickup truck,
"lucky", which has satellite radio and everything. i totally dig the idea of four different country stations who, in stark contrast to the state of seattle "radio", all play remarkably different styles of country and as such DON'T REPEAT EACH OTHER EVERY TWELVE MINUTES. it's kinda nice. i can hear justin townes earle and flatt&scruggs and dwight yokum and brad paisley all at once. i don't know why i'd need to, but the oportunity's there.
driving to "psp"--no, not the sony "portable entertainment system", but the pizza joint in the "vast" "opera district" of tacoma--last night i saw a sign for a stove and fireplace store. it has an electronic scroller sign that they never have scroll which causes them to only be able to post two words that they hope draw the customers in. last night's post was "wood insert". while i know what they meant, i almost fell out of the car laughing. i guess we're all looking to hard for that kinda joke. my roommate's answer was "that's what she said". oops. or as a more "pc" version (not a "mac" version, obviously) goes, "someone said it". i don't even know what that means.

what is following?

so, at the bottom of the "blogger dashboard", there's a button that reads "what is following?" while i din't bother to read what it said, i do have a good idea. however, ima hafta make up the definition cos the oxford english dictionary, "the definitive record of the english 'languish'", is available by "prescription" only. sounds like pre-gutenburg bible times.
following: verb, present tense, meaning to take other people's steeze by an underhanded nature. as in "i am following that peewee herman guy. he's got righteous style!! i like big forks."

anyway, it's raining, and as such, i'm burning lots of calories just being awake. to sate my needs, i'm schralping energy foods samples from the "interbike" festivities back in september. the first was a "stroopwafel" made by "honey stinger" and flogged on the packaging by none other than lance "trek-livestrong" armstrong. it had a pleasant cookie taste and somewhat gooey texture, waffle shaped, yes, but not at all like a stereotypical "belgian" waffle. (or, i should say, an american belgian waffle.) from which i garnished 160 calories and 4% of my iron for the day. no anemia for this sami! (incidently, there's an association of stroopwafel addicts.)
the second was a "NOWtm NO OPPORTUNITY WASTED ENERGY BAR". flogged by PHIL KEOGHAN Host of The Amazing Race. it tasted like an amalgamation of too much stuff, resulting in a kinda neutral ickiness. it is, however, "Powered by WITH NEW ZEALAND MANUKA HONEY WONDER PRODUCT". written in that annoying circular overlay that's meant to be read middle last, for effect. i know it's sposeta read "with new zealand wonder product, MANUKA HONEY", but i refuse to do that.
totally productive morning.
in other news, my roommate of the last month just left to grab the bus to taiwan. i'm conflicted about this. on the one hand, i've only known him a month, but on the other hand, i feel like i know him fairly well for my being someone who hates to get to know people. i can't imagine what it's like to walk out of a house in rural not-quite-tacompton and grab a bus and by the end of the day be not only in crowded, industrialised taiwan, but also in the future. seems like such a mindfuck that i have know way of understanding it. or even conceiving of it adequately. i imagine it's like dying. or going into a coma. one night you're hanging out with friends and the next night it's actually two nights later and no one around you speaks the same language and the maple tree that's shedding it's leaves rapidly in the heavy november downpour is gone, replaced by, what? i don't even know. my self-serving lesson is to never leave the country. or at least to never end up in such a starkly different place. i'm sure it's a symptom of my lack of desire for growth, but i'm happy not breaking too far outa my comfort zone. i also have no desire to visit chicago. or la. or nyc. or seattle, for that matter. i'm happy living in places with pastures or rivers or open spaces for back yards. i like have elk stare me down while i'm eating my cereal in the kitchen. i like hearing about a wolverine that my boss saw out his window before work. i like seeing cows and hearing chickens and watching the trees shed their leaves on open ground and having a good view from my bedroom that doesn't include another house. i liked growing up on a farm and hope that one day, if i ever have kids myself, they will enjoy the same sort of childhood i got to have. there's a kid who frequents the shop in ballard who knows most of the clerks at qfc by name. he seems so damn bored. all he has is a bike and some pavement. i had dirt and grass and trees and pasture and a huge, largely undeveloped neighbourhood. only a few country roads splitting the properties up. we could roam for miles and still be around people we knew from school. i don't know how anyone can live in a city, and yet so many people follow so many other people straight in. i feel like there's this bank of lockers surrounding the city, and when you move in permanently, you hafta put something of yourself in one, and forget it until you move out again. i think i put my control over my anger in the bank when i moved in this summer, and have since got it back after moving out. i don't plan on losing it again.

if i stare at the clouds long enough, i can make out the shades of gray whipping past. they are largely unbroken, in that november in washington way where you know it ain't gonna stop raining for a long time. and it's gonna keep raining hard while it's at it. fine with me. i ain't gonna do shit today, and ima like it!!!!

whisky on a sunday.

tricked ya. nothing to see here.
although. . .
my roommate was asked an interesting question by a kid at work today: "have you ever gotten so soaked that you fell asleep?"
now, i'm assuming that he means soaking wet, as most children ar sorta innocent and as such, don't know too many multiple-meaning phraseologies or terms, but it's possible that the child's parents refer to a state of drunkenness as "soaked". in which case, the child would seem prescient when he asked "Since you have you've been immersed in sleeping?" OR, he could be speaking of fiscal "soaking". i am most definitely guilty of sleeping away my financial woes. most certainly, if that is the case, if this mythical child were to ask me "Because now you have been immersed in the bed?" i'd hafta say "yes".
of course, my roommate reports that the child in question was staring absent-mindedly at the rain, so, most likely anyway, he was speaking very literally. and no, i have not been "so soaked that [i] fell asleep".
i am, however, ready for bed, and will fall in shortly. tired, two beers and some cheesecake my coworker made (while stoned off his gourd at 4 am this morning) for my last weekend in ballard. "Immersed in your bed?" why, yes!!
confidential to "cx weight weenie in gloucester": most cyclocrossers wear their girlfriend's underpants.
or as the popular search engine would have me say, through macedonian and japanese, "cyclocrossers wear most of the girls in their pants."

all animals are equal, but some are more equal than others.

i've been deleting parts or all of my posts a lot recently. maybe it's the rain "warshing" my bitterness down a little bit. i do have an "outloud bitter" thought: why are gillian welch, buddy miller and chris stapleton all over nashville recordings, but none of their own music, which easily eclipses the bulk of nasheville country, is ever played on nasheville radio?

anyway, my clutch blew out this morning. maybe that's what got my crankypants all atwitter. the best part of this is the timing. i won't miss any work, but i did miss out on getting "freshies" in october. and hadda get all wet and cold in the rain while tryna fix it and failing miserably. (i say miserably cos i was miserable, not cos the failure was any more "epic" than any other i accomplish on a daily basis.) which is why i'm writing this at 2.36 in the afternoon, clad in pajamas and wondering if it's too much effort to put on socks to go into the kitchen to try and find a "snackx".

speaking of "snackx", i'm signed on to provide mechanical support for the WA State Cyclocross Championships in a month. as such, i'm polishing up my pretentiousness, my pretentions and my fake belgiumness. i already genuinely like heady "belgium style" beers, so all i gotta do there is buy a bunch. i like "frites", so maybe i can jack some "potatoe steezx" from my "parentx" and make some aheada time. the problem i'm going to run into with this endeavour is that 'cross folk tend to like things that don't actually work, like tubular tires and cantilever brakes. and riding skinny-tyred road bikes in grass and dirt and--their favourite--mud. and carrying their bikes rather than riding them. they even seek out bikes that are easy to "portage", with top tubes manipulated not to be lighter or faster or stronger or geared (heehee) toward a more comfortable ride, but to not hurt the shoulder that's carrying the bike. to me that's like having a car with wooden wheels, metal straps for tread, a drop chain for a brake, a 2 cylinder "model t" engine but with really big, easily accessible tow brackets. i tend to enjoy riding on nicely made and maintained singletrack trails that feature good drainage--little or no mud--and no grass--ever slipped on wet grass? i do all the time--on bikes equipped with tyres featuring lots of tread--traction--and hydraulic disc brakes--stopping power. i tend to ride my road bike off road only while drunk, something i've been skipping for the last four years. too much damage possible. the other way i differ from "'crossers" is in our idea of what's fun and what's stupid. riding an ill-equipped bike in mud and racing only in fall and winter when the weather sucks and the trails should be left to slowly fix themselves is stupid. riding up to and over your pain threshold is stupid. riding yourself into oxygen debt is stupid. riding a bike that's specifically designed not for ride quality or traction but for "portageability" is stupid. cyclocross is based in all of those things and its disciples rave about how awesome, and indeed fun, every part of it is. they talk about "pure sweet hell" (and make pretentious "films" in black and white and washed out, 70s-quality "colour" called "pure sweet hell") and how all that suffering is "glorious" and how "the muddier, the better". i'm also imagining how a "convo" with a distressed (like the jeans!) 'crossdresser would go:
(them in quotes and me not so much)
"can you help me?"
[me shrugging non-commitally]
"my damn tire fell off!"
maybe you shouldn't rely on your own crappy glue job, or for that matter, glue. i don't glue wheels together when i build them.
"um, okay. but can you put my tire back on?"
nope. not worth my time to learn. people who actually ride bikes don't use tubulars, ergo, i've no experience with them.
"um, okay. what do i do?"
go cry inn your beer?
or
whatzup?
"my brakes don't work."
is it muddy?
"yes."
do you have shitty cantilevers cos you decided a discipline whose arbitrarily arcane and difficult rules useta mandate an archaic brake design was awesome?
"yes."
wait. why do you expect your brakes to work in the first place?
or
"can you make my shifters work?"
are the cables covered completely in mud?
"of course! IT'S 'CROSS SEASON BITCHEZ!!!"
(much like the brake argument.) why do you think your bike will shift?
or
[walking around the pit before the race]
why ain't y'all runnin cascadia fenders? it'd keep you and your bike way cleaner in all this mud and grass. plus they got nice beaver tails to keep the spray down so you don't get anyone behind you all dirty. all them roadies that do the chilly hilly have em. or at least imaginatively beaver-flapped full coverage fenders of some kind. i mean, have you seen what all this shit will do to your drivetrain?
at least i'll have an excuse to get all shitty at 9 in the morning.

tidying the basement with the VELVET COWBOY

A terrified high pitched whinny rends the air, as the dusky stallion named "sooty pants" discovers something Horrible WHOOOAAAAAA there ssssooooty britches. Whoa gal. Whats making your single working eye roll up in yur head all terrible and yeller that way? ..... it was the Scrabble box, covered in MOLD.

i've been called bitter before.

i had this long rant set up, but then i decided it was too long and ranty. i'll paraphrase it: "mayor" mike "mike bikes" mcguinn can suck my b*^^s. i then hit the "next blog" button a couple times and there was "princess amy's hideout". lots of shit about the "new moon saga" and eminem's "best new song ever made". hm. i tried to listen to it, but apparently these things magically disappear. something about a faery sprite named "viacom". or something. there's even "twilight cupcakes". weird.
i then kept hitting the button like a rat hooked up to pleasure electrodes. all i found were "family" blogs. scary amounts of baby pictures and oversharing. i'll paraphrase: "i have pop-pop in the attic!" i don't get it. why would you want to expose your kids to the world at large? it's scary enough in our little enclaves.
it's now 12.12 in the am. ima keep being up cos i ain't been up this late in a long time. one blog had the headline "we finally made it!!!!!" with lots of pictures of the arkansas state line sign. "the natural state". scary. i think our blog somehow got collected in the wrong "blogosphere". one blog is talking about her ivf and bfp. i don't even know what those are. i have a bike. "i have a belly button." i wonder what justin townes earle is up to?
oh yeah: i voted last week. i probly didn't sign my name right again. i got a letter from king county after the primary saying i'd given them an "incomplete signature". who do they think they are? i can change my signature any damn time i please. incomplete? how do they know? do they have cameras in my room? bugs in the attic? the best thing about the letter from the king county voting whatever was that it showed up the day they wanted to hear back from me in letter form. efficiency!!!
i think it's time to go sleep in my empty bed. the woman next to me is in portland for a few days. it's kinda lonely, but nowhere near as much as when i couldn't say anything about the woman next to me.

silence is puce

I rescued SheWhoMustBeTexted's cat from up the apple tree in the back yard last night, about 9:30PM, by the method of climbing the tree in the dark and (sort of) throwing him down.  I would like to point out that I am 52 years old.  Miffed-ness gave me supermoeman strength.  After that he was extremely grateful for 15 seconds (shown in kitten-almost-cat language by winding around and around my feet causing me to trip and curse 5 times).  I wasn't miffed at him, but at SWMBT, who had refused to be guilt tripped into coming home and climbing the tree herself, even when I texted her the Pathetic details.  In fact, she texted back "it sucks to be him".  So I figure he is MY cat now, and I have renamed him to  5-spot.  "Oreo" is a stupid name.  When I am feeling affectionate, I call him 10-spot.  If you count every spot on him, he actually has 9 spots, but if you count his butt (ahem) it could be 10.

Yesterday at work a deputy told us a story that started out "I did not think it was a very good idea for 2 white officers to go to a mostly black part of Portland and take money from an Ethiopian restaurant."  You are probably saying "WHAT???" same as I was.  It was for a civil suit or debt collection or something and involved 2 twin midgets in Rasta hats being very mad, and the deputies only getting $34 because that was all that was in the cash register.  There are a lot of puns that a person can make about this but I feel a little bit cautious and will not.  (or 2 little bits cautious.)

the maples have just turned green. Just turned green maple trees.

for most of the summer the maples outside my window were a kind of purple. when the sun finally came out in late july, they started the slow transition to green. by september, they were fully green. now in mid october, they are wandering to a rust brown colour. where did all this time go?
early this afternoon we took a hike up the hill at crystal to check out a studio apartment in the tony "gold hills" neighbourhood. it was sunny. i liked it. i want to ride my bicycle. i got a new "jersey" (okay, carhartt t-shirt) in "hunter orange" so i can rail through the green line and mima-porter trails at capitol this weekend. looks like rain.
Summer, most maples outside my window was a kind of purple. When the sun finally came out in late July, it began the transition to the green is slow. By September, they were completely green. Now, in mid-October, they lost the brown rust. Where is all this time?
Crystal in the early afternoon on a hike up the hill to take out Tony "golden mountains" in the neighborhood, check out the studio apartment. Baked. I liked it. I want to ride a bike. On the capital this weekend to a new "hunter orange" (the right, Carhartt T-shirt), "Jersey" green line, and Mima Porter tracks, so I can take the train went through. It looks like rain.

i've been checking out the arapahoe and loveland basins websites a bunch recently, in addition to geeking out over the new-to-me "goooooooooogle" translate function. they compete every year for the "honour" of being the first in the country to open. it's kinda funny, cos they're pushing around all kinda fake snows. the woman next to me is taking a nap. i find all this rush to be open on crappy snow somewhat decadent, but i guess that's what you do in CO. i'd be happy to do the same. i'm not above skiing on corn flakes.
I am, "goooooooooogle" geeking for me to translate the new features, as well as a bunch of checking the site recently got a swimming pool Loveland and Arapahoe. They open the first country to "honor" to compete every year. cos somehow managed to fake snow all around, kind of funny. I was cut to a woman. I have a bad day all the snow and a little decadent in a rush to find an open, happy to do the same, but the CO to do, I think. I am skiing corn flakes.

the chickens and rooster and chicks are outside making noises. this is kinda soothing, though it's 5.39 in the evening. i got a new "powder magazine" yesterday, and it is good. there's a picture on the cover of some dude in southern utah gettin sicker in the sunset. i like sunsets. i like snow. i like gettin sicker. i have eight days of ballard work left before the winter, then on to the mountain. i'm afraid of paying rent if we get the place we looked at this afternoon, but i want to live there cos i could ski to work.
the hens and cocks and cock outside noises. It's kind of welcome they have 5.39 in the evening. I have a new "powder yesterday, and it's good. This is a picture on the cover of a dude in southern Utah gettin sicker in the sunset. I like sunsets. I love snow. I like gettin sicker. I work eight days before winter Ballard left, then up the mountain. I'm afraid to pay rent if we live in the place we saw this afternoon, but I like cos i to go skiing was able work.

outside it is getting more sunsetty. the neighbours moved, taking "puke-bark" with them. it was a sad move, cos they tried to sell their way out of foreclosure, but they were unable to. as the sun goes down, the light gets kind of wistful. the new gondola at crystal is kinda comical. it's almost winter and they aren't all that close to being done. there's a celery seed bottle in the window next to the "bag balm" jug. i like jugs of juice. especially orange juice and pomegranate juice. now the sun is set, and it's getting dark. the chickens are running around frantically eating before it gets sleepy time. "nubs" the rooster is flapping his wings.
He gets more sunsetty. With them - were neighbors "to vomit in the shell," it takes. That they had to sell their disposal, was a sad move, but they failed. Even as the sun, the light gets kind of nostalgia. The new gondola is a funny long crystal. Almost winter, so I'm not close to being done. Next to the glass bottle jar celery seeds "bag balm." I like juice jugs. Especially pomegranate juice and orange juice. Now the sun sets, and it's getting dark. It's time to sleep before you run around like crazy chickens to eat. "Nubs" is a chicken wing.

my coworker "steve" got chicken wings the other day. they were pretty tasty. sometimes i hafta poop. ooh! more sun just came through. musta been clouds i couldn't see. i know how to ride a bicycle. bicycles are fun!! i have laundry to do. byebye!!!
My colleague Steve "Chicken wings are the other days. They were very tasty. Moon, and sometimes absorbs. ooh! Only Sun has suffered more. I saw the clouds should be. I know that ride a bicycle. velo is fun! I have a car. Well-goal!

mass quantities of small green apples-- i have climbed up a tree and saved this post stuck there since 7/14/10

A reader writes:

"Knit five purl five, dude.

Why did most of the apples fall off the tree in my new back yard while they are small and green, making me bien triste ?

And some of them have small horseshoe bite marks??

Which is eerie because chickens don't have teeth and cats don't eat apples.

?

I am from France."




Moe, you are not from France. If you are not biting those apples, then I'm gonna have to say that opossum or your teenager is. Somebody at the library is saying "hi" and waving at her computer screen over and over. She does not smell funny. She looks young and Japanese. Doesn't "hi" mean yes or else no in Japanese?

STOP WHISPERING!!!!!!!

i've been feeling quite a few nostalgic bits of late. last week the amtrak made a booboo and blocked up all BN rail traffic in the sumner/auburn/puyallup/tacoma area and i hadda ride from auburn to puyallup. not a generally dificult task, maybe ten miles or so, but it was at night and the east valley highway is surprisingly terrifying in full dark with no real headlight. the oncoming traffic blinded me and the potholes came quick and deep and playing dirty. anyway, i rode as fast as i could to sumner, where i filled up my water bottle at the main street dairy freeze. worked next door to them three years ago for two months before being "layed of" (fired). on the way into puyallup, i passed our old headquarters, "free latte's" sign replaced by a "free lattes" sign, but otherwise the same. (i keep getting almond butter on my fingers.) though my bike is different, it was nonetheless a bit jarring. living there is one of the few truly comfortable times in my life.
anyway, fall is definitely more easier to crock up all the old stuff. leaves and apples and pumpkin beer and all that.
i had a customer this morning who was tryna be real friendly like. a somewhat paraphrased "convo", her in quotes, me not so much:
"hi!!!!"
whatzup?
"i think i have a flat tire maybe i don't can you look at it how are you doing?!!!"
eh.
"what do you think is my tire flat can you put air in it how are you doing?!!!!"
it looks fine. let me put air some in.
"how are you doing?!!!! IT'S A REEEEEAAAALLLLYYYYY NICE DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!"
i shut off after that.
a customer from yesterday, after she fell off her bike in the doorway:
"IT'S NOT MY FAULT!!!! I GOT OFF TOO QUICKLY!!!!" thankfully, she din't "conque" her head or nuthin.
there's a smashing pumpkins song off of "gish" on the "mix" just now. it's pretty much warm and fuzzy. i need to cut my fingernails. i just hung up three pairs of bike shorts. i'm mad at my coworker "tone-deaf" right now cos he misordered a pair of shorts for me. he thought i was an "XL"!! to quote taylor swift's current "blockbuster", "can you believe it?!!!" speaking of our current pop-country-crossover-annoying-perfect-young-woman phenomenon, i'm tired of having her shit stuck in my head. my roommate from montana just exhorted my roommate from taiwan to "come into my healing ward". i should include that they are playing warcraft. not the one where you make "avatars" to fight other "avatars", but the wizardy one that people useta play in college way back in the day. now i'm listening to rod stewart. "maggie mae". i like "almost famous". kate winslet was good in that one. have you heard of the new movie "red"? seems like "green" would be a better grossing movie. cos of all the "sustainability" bullshit everyone's spewing right now. sustainable like "building a 'green' house in a converted swamp using 'sustainable' lumber from 'replantable' forests". i think if i made a "colour movie" right now, i'd call it "chartreuse peuse". cos that'd be awesome. now ima write a sentence and translate it using the "popular search engine" translation method.

"i spotted a murder of crows eating from a hammock and licking their wounds." becomes "Chova see amok in a food undo cuts kill". no period. that one was like through like 8 languages and back. "to make your shock's pressure higher, simply make pump with hand." becomes "Easily carried by hand pump, so the higher the shock pressure" again without a period, this time simply from english to japanese and back. "please observe the crossing the crosswalk rules before crossing the crosswalk." becomes "Please follow the rules, because it is through the corridor before crossing the aisle." when translated from english to greek to arabic to russian to indonesian to japanese to traditional chinese to icelandic to english. "when the levee breaks just got cut off. poop." becomes "It is simply closed the dam breaks. Yes", again missing at least one period, when translated from english to japanese to basque to greek to german to english. "please do not sample the potatoes in country." becomes "Please do not try to country potatoes." when translated from english to danish to japanese and back to english. this is fun. "ima keep this up till the woman next to me gets home from work in seattle." becomes "Now home to keep until the woman next to me, out of a job in Seattle." from english to japanese to croation to english. "what does 'jesus freaks/ out in the streets' mean?" is "Jesus' Devil / streets "mean?" english, hindi, english. "if you run into the wall, don't blame the wall." is "Do not blame the wall in the wall.". english, latin, galician, thai, english. "go to the store to get beets, mangle-wurzle and catastrophic insurance. i want to go to bed and sleep and listen to august and everything after." is "Go to store beets, the pound Boogbeg - wurzle and disaster insurance. I do not want to go to sleep and sleep and listening to August and everything after." english, finnish, welsh, thai, english. "i'm kind of delirious with tired." is "I'm kind of tired with delirious." english to arabic and back.

suffice it too say that when it comes to playing "telepherique", "gooooooooooooooogle" ain't got shit!

2 months is a long time.

in that time i've accomplished many things, including becoming a french "shef", learning how to "sale" and learning how to "ride" my bike "uphill". right now, "tha" woman beside me is working out. i figured i'd do the same. since i'm the modern equivalent of a cross between hermes and hercules, i figured i'd collect some random thoughts.
firstly, i'm only a few weeks away from being thirty (well, 8 months and change). this is a few things for me. scary, interesting, boring, frightening, relieving and the like. someone once told me that "23 is the last time i felt young." interestingly, she still works at the same albertsons thats she worked at when she was 16. i saw her the other day, and i think she recognised me, but i said what i usually do. ". . ."
secondly, it's snowing in some hills. this is happy-making. granted, i saw snow in the wallowas in late august, but still.
thirdly, i'm listening to a bob marley song. haven't "purposefully" done that since "gradumeticulating" from green river gator college in 1932. it's kinda nice.
fourthly, october is been okay. my seattle roomies kicked me out back in september, and i've been crashing in rural not-tacoma-and-not-puyallup. on a small plot with chickens. that make soufflés for us. and find time to procreate. the chicks are now just small, chirping chickens and maybe a rooster, but they're still way cute.
fifthly, my seattle roommates kicked me out in late september. this is now a good thing, early frustrations aside. i've been riding my bike 30 miles a day, 3 miles of hill at the end of the day inclusive. i look like thor hushovd winning the rainbow jersey (go norge!!!!!!) except for the paunch and "moobs" and "foo mann choo" that he is sorely lacking and the '90 schwinn tempo with "downtoob shifties" where he's on the newest cervèlo sprinting machine.
sixthly, i miss mighty-o doughnuts. and elysian pumpkin beer. and feeling underdressed in every situation. (well, maybe not that last one.) and mighty-o doughnuts.
seventhly, i'm getting a new cousin-in-law. i'm sure i'm sposeta be stoked, but this is getting old. most of my cousins are married. i have fewer and fewer of my 38 cousins to commiserate with over the unfairness of the tax code and the "groutness" of gillian welch. granted, i've never done either of those things with my cousins, but time is running short to do so.
eighthly, i like eggs. eggs are good.
ninthly, last week, i rode a buncha bridges out at black diamond that have previously stymied me. i felt like darren "bearclaw" barrecloth getting sicker thirty feet over some tabletop throwin down a sick superman seat grab. and not crashing like he did so righteously in "seasons".
tenthly, we've been "slaying" some "sick edits" at the shop for a couple months, such as the above-mentioned "seasons" and the other two collective edits, some DH racing flicks from "britton" and some "freeride" edits from "new world disorder". i can now define the "freeride mountain bike seen" thusly: "it's gnarly, bro, gnarly, gnarly, gnarly." totally pro, indeed.
eleventhly, i kinda like lucinda williams. this has been hard, cos i still hate her voice. but she seems honest, whether she is or not.
twelfthly, ich habe viel hunger. ich muss abend essen machen.

cheese, beer and doughnuts!!!!!!!

under an old brass paperweight.

(to quote part of a toby keith song. ach.)
what i've done today (in no particular order):
.i done woked up. which is an accomplishment in itself.
.stressed about bills, rent, snow, how to swap an alternator on a '99 subie, that sorta thing.
.pooped.
.put on pajamas. (which, at 15.13 in the afternoon, i still have on.)
.looked up bike shop websites for towns around the country where there are grad schools who offer environmental ed master's degrees.
.stared at pictures of leadville and bikes.
.thought about bikes.
.ate breakfast.
.talked about eating lunch.
.looked at the paul components website. got a little disappointed, cos he only uses iso bottom bracket spindles. talk about snobby.
.ate lunch.
.drank tea.
.talked about drinking tea.
.looked at craigslist.
.thought about bikes.
.looked at service prices at various bike shops.
.thought about going to the united bicycle institute.
.thought about bikes.
.talked about bikes.
.looked at the website for the "cloud city wheelers" in leadville. (Pb.)
.decided Pb would be gorgeous this time of year.
.looked at phil wood's website. green ano hubs. totally 1993. and totally awesome. plus he makes a shimano 8/9/10 hub. time to rob some banks.
.read the line "The good and the very good, the bad and the very bad, and the incorrigibles. Have compassion for the kindergarten pupils, however, who are doing the best they can and do not deserve to be shot at. . ."
.drank tea.
.thought about joining the cloud city wheelers. found out that it'd be round near impossible cos they're in Pb and i'm in ballard. found out it'd cost about a jackson and a lincoln. thought about whether that's a prohibitive cost ITTET or whether the neighbour dog ("puke bark") is actually a government spy.
.thought about moving to Pb.
.put on a shirt. and another shirt.
.flushed the toilet.
.forgot to brush my teeth.
.thought about bikes.
.had some toast.
.and an eggie.
.tried to apply for a job at "cycles of life" in Pb, but couldn't find the "apply your awesomeness here" button.
.watched the chickens eat corn.
.watched the chicks run around being cute.
.stirred "hunny" into the panucaku batter.
.put vanilla in there, too.
.did dishes. thought about moving to "norway". (or "norge", but i still can't pronounce that as well as "norway".)
.thought about arapahoe basin.
.and loveland basin.
.saw a picture of my rental shop boss without his shirt on.
.drank some tea to keep the bile down.
.wondered why the crystal has a couple pictures of the liftline for the new gondola, but not the man who cut the trees to make it possible.
.thought about bikes.
.skis, too.
.bikes.
.bikes. bikes. bikwes . tghjkasdfgl;kjh 'hj;ldhkgfas ;lkIA AA A AAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.
.looked outside. it's sunny.
and: SCENE.

Newfound freedom

How freeing it felt to comfortably eat alone in a restaurant, without my nose buried in a book, and with a sincere smile for anyone making eye contact. To accept the host's "just one today?" query without feeling little or lonely.

I achieved another bit of liberation today. The three word games (two being variations of Boggle) that I play on-line seem to have score ceilings for me. The best I've done in Boggle has been the middle of the "low" scoring line, just a tad above "very low", but well below medium. And I've been stuck at 990 point on PathWords for months. Periodically I trash the links and say "oh well" or something else that rhymes . . . .

But I like playing word games! So today I just decided "PLAY THE GAME AND IGNORE THE SCORE!" And why not? So that's MY new rule, and I'm stickin' to it.

making hammers out of pencils.

while perusing the jobs posting on craigslist (CL) (and sneezing violently into my elbow) i came across a position for which i would be perfectly qualified: city clerk/treasurer for the city of cascade, idaho. there's a long list of duties, all of which i can dispatch quickly and easily and "with effervescence". a "synod" follows, as always, conveniently bullet-pointed for the "feint of hart".
."municipal elections (through 1/1/11)." that's easy. i'm also the mayor and the city council and the police chief. and sheriff, for that matter.
."maintaining and collecting fees. . ." let's just shorten that to "collecting fees".
."preparation of ordinance & resolution documents as directed by city council". wouldn't hafta worry about that. there'd be no more city council.
."publish all required notifications in local newspaper as required by statute". i don't know why we gotta listen to a buncha stone or concrete peices of boring public art. scratch this whole deal!
."management of all city documents". i'll manage your documents. WITH A ROUND FILE!!!!
."providing information as requested to the public". what kinda socialist place you think ima run??? "public"? that's for commies and people who live in luxembourg.
."management responsibility for city deputy clerk position". oh shit. i get a "deputy"? guess you can find me at the golf course!!!
."attending all city council meetings and producing the minutes". i can "produce" (make shit up) all kinda minutes!
."preparing council meeting packets prior to meetings". ditto.
."other tasks as requested by mayor or city council". "go to the golf course!" "go home early!" done.
."maintain accounts payable". "no, we don't have any money. . .no, it ain't my fault. maybe next fiscal year. . .no, you can't talk to my supervisor. . .cos he ran off to fiji with YOUR MOM!!!!!!!!!!"
."maintain payroll". i know how to stack that paper on my own desk. what else i needa do?
."prepare monthly financial statements by fund". um. . .grant is on the left, benjamin is on the right.
."maintain general ledger & make journal entries". um, journals is private, bitchez.
."reconcile all general ledger accounts". ain't no "reconcilin" nut'n up in dis joint, aight?!
."prepare records for annual audit by contracted C.P.A. firm". um, records, journals, you guys wanna know ALL my shit, don't you?!
."prepare annual budget". easy: paper in my basket, copper in yours.
."other tasks as requested by mayor or city council". "buy yourself lunch on the city." "take a trip to antigua. on the city." "buy yourself a hummer. on the city." "contract your brother to be the 'drywall supplier' for 3 mil a year."
this job is AWESOME!!!

one other quick "news" item: also posted on the boise "jobs" page: "50$ CASh to break my U Lock". um. . .make that "1000$" in "unmarketed bills" and we'll talk. just don't talk to your crazy neighbour with the angle grinder and the weird glint in his eye. your "U LOCK" may not be all he breaks.
peace.

Spring hibernations: a ruminational.

so, i've been out of the loop for a while. i woke up and, remarkably, it's sunny. don't know what to make of that. i haven't seen the sun since like march. people tell me it's been around for a few weeks now, but i don't believe em. i'd like to say i accomplished a lot on my sabbaticalism, but really i just hung out with the woman next to me and ate a lot. maybe drank a few beers in there, too. mostly just ate a lot of food. i'm afraid to step on a scale.
a few things i've noticed since i woke up, conveniently bullet-pointed for the "feint of hart":
.ballard is still ballard. there's still crazy rummies running the town, regardless of the fact that the utterly worthless mike mcginn claims he's "mayor". i remember last fall when he was "biking" for office, and i thought, well, if that's all the guy does, maybe he'll be better than his predecessor, the toad-like greg nickels, who couldn't find a bike in a sea of, well, bikes. eight months after the election, and i'm being proven absolutely wrong. mike mcginn is, "too" put it a bit unkindly, a semi-skinny version of greg nickels. with beard and bike, natch, but otherwise a near copy.
.it's not that hot out. last year it was in the mid nineties this week, on the way to like a hundred thirty five in the shade. outside the window today, it's like walking in a park with your special lady and having free handbuilt wheels handed to you while eating snoqualmie farms' "french lavender" ice cream. and drinking a nice hazelnut brown direct from the cask. or barrel. or whatever them is made in.
.i haven't skied in like seven months. this is both weird and unnatural and also distressing. that said, the mountain bike has been fun. the problem with that is that i can't really ride one. while i did better my last time out than one of my "vermont buddies", who gave himself a second degree separation of his left shoulder and a solid concussion, breaking in the crash my helmet he was borrowing, i still have two weeks later a sore wrist and rib combo that makes sleeping both mandatory and nearly impossible to do.
.i like bikes. (could i be mayor, mike?)
.tunnels is expensive, especially when everyone wants one and nobody wants to pay for it. (wait, din't we vote, albeit "advisitorily", against the tunnel? just like the mariners' stadium? hm. food, i'd say, for thought.)
.i'm hungry all the damn time.
.gears on road bikes make going up long hills easier.
.i don't hate new belgium anymore. they give us lots of beer. 1554!!!!
anyway. ima try and remember how to do this thing.

one question for the ninja: what's the difference between a duck?

the bottom halves are really shiny anyhow

My sister left a message on my phone letting me know she is going camping with other people here, telling me when she will be back and that she is leaving right now. Then she started laughing and said well, right now she is going back into her house to shave her shins for her new friends. After that she is going camping.

This message probably means if she doesn't come back from camping, I have a few Clues I'm supposed to give to the detectives. We refuse to believe that camping alone or with strangers is a bad idea, ahead of time, HOWEVER....we are just organized and foresightful enough to want to be able to find remains later.

When I go camping, I like the feeling of hardly anybody knowing exactly where I am. Usually I avoid telling people ahead of time or am vague or at least slightly misleading about the details. If I didn't come back, my sister might be sending the detectives to a wrong campground. Later she would try to let them into my house with the spare key I gave her, but it wouldn't work. While she was explaining that I had changed the locks, WITH HER, after I gave her the key, but both of us forgot about getting her a new one or telling her where I hid the spare, the detectives would be writing down "Smooth legs. Inaccurate information. Doesn't have a key."

what superpower do I need?

A reader writes:
"Dear knitwit : What is the best kniknd of superpowers? I have a Uknique Opportuknity and I dokn't waknt to screw it up. Also, does your kname have aknythikng to do with headlice?"

I think you have soda pop under some of your keyboard there. You didn't tell me very much about your U.O. Does it have to do with camping? I have a useful superpower of being invisible while sleeping on a cot while camping. If an axe murderer comes into my campsite, he will get my sister first (or only!) I hope your U.O. doesn't involve email from a new friend with bad spelling. If it does, just do whatever they say.

Without any collateral information, Knitting Kninja is pretty sure that the best superpower of all is : the power to make voice boxes cease to work at mental command. Especially useful on the bus, I'm pretty sure it can be used to train loud cussers to be either quieter cussers or non cussers. Or else their heads might explode, which would be OK too (move seats first, secretive but inquisitive reader). Some people get very uneasy about the possession and use of this superpower, specifically because it involves controlling others/playing god, a little too much for them. I suggest the trial version for them; they mute every other word. Surprisingly, it is even more interesting and nearly as effective after the half muted entity figures out the pattern, although the trial half power version has no effect on small children saying "Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom." Ignore them, and then suddenly scream "whuuUUUUUT?"

blog takes new intellectual direction

In response to clamorous reader demand, each post will include at least one haiku or at least one slightly disturbing image of sleep.

A reader writes :

Dear knitting kninja,
I saw you steal those 2 photos straight off some website about emus. Isn't that either theft or plagiarism or both? I think you could get in a lot of trouble doing that, mister. But what I really would like to know for myself and other readers like myself is whether kitty litter is compostable, and how you got your cat inside after it didn't want to come inside, after you let it out into your back yard, after the previous very nice (but lying) owner said it probably didn't want to go outside because "the sky scared it". I saw you chasing it around in sort of slow motion for a while. Did that work?
xxOO
a reader like myself

Dear reader:
Your mother steals things from emu websites.
Yes (about the composting).

"Cry, and you cry alone. Laugh, and the world laughs with you."

You gotta be kidding.

One of the hardest things about living alone, is not having anyone to laugh with when really funny things happen.
Like yesterday, as I drove to my son's home and finally investigated WHAT was that big lump in my jeans pocket.
It was my wall phone, which I carry around in the house!

Or the time I over-sat my big easy chair and it S - L - O - W - - L - - - Y went over backwards, with me in it! Unhurt but laughing so hard it took me a while to get my legs back down on the floor, the chair upright, and me back in it. Oh, to have had a camera!

Maybe you hadda be there.

Hey! Wassup?

New a song longa go called Everyone on Earth is Outa Town.


Dint no it'd come true. . . .

Like any other self-respecting hermit . . .

. . . I suppose I should state something now and then.

And since I spent much of the weekend truly in solitary refinement, I have a great perspective on that status. Most of the time it's great. But then let another human being come into my presence, and I talk his/her arm off! Does that mean I crave companionship?

Nope. That is a question, and the jury, as they say, is out.

If I'm at a -- let's say "gathering" (almost said party) I'm ready to depart within a pretty short time, even if the gathering is with my beloveds. My own little corner and my own little chair feel so good when I get there!

Spent about 48 hours over the weekend on Oak Bay in the Port Townsend area, and although the birds were strangely few and silent (I've been there many times) it was a stellar away. Perhaps the birds were nesting? Went to dinner with d-in-l who zipped over from Seattle for a couple of hours, and we had a blast! The live music was from 5 people; the youngest was a 14 year old fiddler - awesome! - and the oldest was a 92 year old harmonica player who is Guiness Book of Records. Many in the "audience" wore their choice of a hat from the 200 or so hanging around the place. The menus were pasted in OLD 33-1/3 record albums, the kind that opened like a book. Cool!

We stayed till they closed, at the sleepy hour of 10. Loved it! (And it was a gathering!)

seattle the braggart.

so, for a moment i had a catastophe on my hands: my email wouldn't allow me to sign in! i don't know what i'd even do if that were truly the case.

now, for the FBC Worry Hour.
1) last year at this time i was finishing up a day of skiing at alpy. "unbenknownest" to me, my then future roommates were queuing up for a "naked party" in which the affected people all started drinking cooly and efficiently and, well, got naked. i hadn't moved up yet, but i still hear details. and those details scare me. i mean, the roomies are skinny and hip and good looking, unafraid of waltzing around whichever apartment they currently occupy totally in flagrante. i hope this doesn't happen.
2) sunday is mother's day. i never know what to get for my mom. she always says "don't get me anything", but you know how lutherans can be. "don't worry about calling me" means "call me every day". that sorta thing.
3) in conjunction with mother's day, the woman next to me is gonna meet some of the family. this is most frightening. i mean, there are like 120 of us!! i don't even know all my cousins, let alone their kids and in-laws!! what if they think she's a "hippy"? i mean, she went to a lutheran college and all, but she doesn't shave her legs and she reuses her plastic bags!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!
4) the elder roomie has been watching the fifth season of the wire. i ain't even seen all of the third, yet, let alone all of the fourth and into the fifth. what do i do? it's such a good show, and yet, i don't want to know everything until it's time. there's too many people i like who are in the position to "get got". maybe i should just build a "blanket fort" and hide whenever he starts watching.
5) last night i was in tacoma with the woman next to me and i had a bout of gas. what if farts are permanent? what if, instead of them going away upon the taking care of business, they just start showing up every five minutes or so, like a sort of fatal familial insomnia, but with farts instead of death?
6) i have in my nose just now a lot of "boogies". i mean, sure, i know how to pick my nose, but is it polite to do so at a "liberry"?
7) i don't even know who's favoured in the giro this year. levi leipheimer was on the podium at the tour of gila (supposedly spoken "tour of hee'-lah) a few minutes ago, but other than that, i got nothin. how do i know who to root for?
8) there's a crayon drawing in the ballard "liberry" art display called "oMega CLoVeR loRD".
anyway, i want some food. and beer. and "convo" with the woman next to me.
is it bad that riley freeman is my hero?

distractions and name droppings.

i was checking up on my Important World News earlier today when. . .okay. let me rephrase that: i was reading bikesnob and i found out there were some really hot "podium girls" at the tour of gila. one of them had some "ink" and "outsized cleavage". velosnooze.com had an article about her. appartently the woman in question was so striking that comments on her photograph hadda be left off the public forum in order for velonews to remain "family oriented". this led me somehow to youtube and videos of liz hatch, a pro road racer, apparently talking about how awesome racing is. (she could have been talking about how she likes to drive cadillacs and eat watermelon, though. i don't actually know what she said cos the library isn't a place where one can listen to random cycling-themed videos at full volume. she's also in possession of "outsized cleavage", though i din't notice if there was any "ink".) ten minutes wasted, i then went over to noaa's website and checked my weather for my day off tomorrow. the verdict? 1500' snow level with up to a foot possible. now, i'm not one to be surprised at our washington springs. i remember the one when i was twenty where on mother's day it was 86 degrees--hot up in here by any standard except late july to early august--and by tuesday it was snowing at the water in vancouver. (that was also the time when i pushed my non-starting car into a snowbank to park it and forgot put it in first or set the e-brake and came back sunday night to find it gone. upon further inspection i found it was still parked in the snowbank, but the snow had since retreated about eight feet below the level of the parking lot.) at any rate, my plan for tomorrow had been to ride my squishy, the first such ride since late october, but now i ain't so sure.
in other news, i've heard a few too many people recently attempting to resurrect the word "righteous" outside of lutheran circles. this is unacceptable. if one were to check our archives, one would notice that i was using this word waaaay back at the middle of last summer. had you known me before that, you'd have seen me use it as early as mid june, and even that was after i repurposed it from my laser-using coworker. i'm not sure what to do. i need a new word, and fast. "snocka" just doesn't flow as well, but no one else is really gonna use that one. "jeans", maybe? as in "them jeans is TOTALLY jeans"? not sure. "packet"? "them bikes is so packet, you'd think people'd actually ride em steada pushin em around cap hill"? i don't know. i'll get back at ya on that.
"going forward", me and the woman next to me went to "key arena" (formerly and more humbly "the colosseum") to see a couple "rat city roller girls" bouts. the second bout was between the then 1st and 2nd place teams and was decided in the last four minutes of the hour long bout. the first bout, however, between the then 3rd and 4th place teams, was decided in about the first ten minutes. it was lopsided, to be sure. while the second bout was to a combined score of around 150, the first was decided by over 200 points. (202, to be exact.) it looked like cliff lee pitching against my 8th grade intramural team, "taco bell". (we weren't sponsored, if you must know. we were just an awesome team with an awesome name. i-m champs, too. i totally was the captain.) more intriguing than the bouts were the cheerleaders. dudes in tights and tutus and one woman in a vinyl bodysuit. and a "hype man" named "queen b" with all her hair piled on top of her head wandering around talking dirty to all the "hot guys" and calling our section "the really drunk one". which was unfair, cos the woman next to me and i only had one beer apiece. the woman next to me and i were apparently in the wrong section, even though the tickets said "general admission". we were in the "throttle rockets" section, even though we should have been in the "sockit wenches" section. it ended up not mattering, cos no one came to interview us or roll us up. we also ate some chicken strips and fries and had pbrs. we also did the wave. that totally "slayed".
some "social commentary": there's a dude across from me has his glasses in his hand instead of on his face and is sitting with his face six inches from his monitor. weird. and some woman called to ask if we are a bike shop today. i answered "that's why we're called 'BIKE(redacted)!" my boss today asked how i could still have such a strong superpower ("bitterness", if y'all'd forgot) when i "have a girlfriend" and i said "i wasn't bitter about not having a girlfriend" and he just looked at me. i said "okay. that wasn't the only thing." he then told me i hafta wear my shades (green bug-eyes with sparkly fireworks patterns on the temples) whenever i'm enacting my superopower.
i awoke this morning with excitement in my breast only to find my "murdered out" (what polly johnson of 764-HERO would have called it) orange juice "totally slayed" from a ritual "vodka sesh" last night. i was utterly halved. the walk to work took more than a half hour due to my dejected feet being unable to move further than a foot at a time. speaking of which, the elder roomie just told me it's been replenished and a sixer of "pike 'kilt lifter' scotch red" added to the "stable".
aight. i'm out. peace.

just doing my civic duty: run-on sentences.

somewhere along the line i learned that the most holy domain of the political writer is to make all sorts of arcane comparisons and references to obsolete politicians. "a modern day spiro t. agnew" or "more like dino rossi than a.d. roselini." that sorta thing. anyway, i was reading the monday times at the parents' yesterday and a columnist from somewhere, philly, i think cos that's where he said he grew up, though an unfortunate number of foreigners like him end up here in seattle, though his column is syndicated, which usually if he's from seattle wouldn't happen cos no one outside of seattle gives a flying ()*&(&^)&*^(*&%(*^% what seattlites think, and he said he was stoked to see former president clinton had apologised for his economic practices during his two terms in office and had admitted to making mistakes both in policy and in taking the advice of his, um, paid advisers, some of whom now work, of all places, in the white house for president obama. the columnist went on to muse that, just maybe, clinton's apologies and admissions would lead to a renewal of good-faith negotiations on economic policy and maybe even to the fixing of problems. to which i'd add that the killing of john wilkes booth TOTALLY stopped presidential assassinations. (of course, one could argue that lee harvey oswald's death did halt presidential assassinations in the US, but unfortunately it seems like just a matter of time before some crazed palin supporter with banana clip takes after "that red n*&&^%".) maybe it's just that being back in seattle for six REEEEEEEALLY long months has got me back on the crotchety train, but i just don't have patience for all the idle discussion about "maybes" and "hopefullys". health care "reform" got passed, but in reality it is just a shell of what still needs to be done and is just another way to force us to carry insurance when just about every other first world country has socialised (not a scary word to me at all) medicine that works for everyone involved. as i read on the back of the "wally's world" pickup in enumclaw, "i'm happy to pay taxes." i don't mind covering for my neighbours when they get in a bind. i do believe that somewhere in the bible (that book thing alla them "neo cons" and "tea party activists" thump vigorously with hands, feet, and probly some unmentionables) it says to "love thy neighbour" and talks about charity and all that, but i suppose "charity" is code for "when i damn well feel like it and it makes me look good, otherwise i AIN'T GOT NONE, DO YOU HEAR ME?!!!" helping each other in an orderly, well planned fashion just doesn't jive with that. band-aids? we're all about 'em. blood drives? only when there's an earthquake! and taxed, thought out health care? that's communism!! i half expect to start hearing about a "new red scare". there was tons of propaganda about president obama's "socialist" plans and secretary clinton's "communism", so dust bowl politics may not be too far behind.

in other, less "exciting" news, being back in town has reminded me of all the "fashion" i ain't been seeing for the last six months. all the "ink" and the facial hair tattered not by the wind and sun and ice but by the rigors of standing in the beer and wine section at the ballard market choosing which belgian is intellectually more stimulating and wether that eloquent little pinot is worth a second visit. of course, when fashion is measured in millimeters of waterproofing and grams/24hours of breathability, individual "style" tends to fall away. though the past two or three winters, the trend toward steezier wardrobes in the hills has kinda mirrored the trend in town toward bewilderment; white kids at ski hills tryna look like gun runners in south central and white kids in town tryna look like an out of date fashion spread from, say, mid-1987.
i also forgot the trend here toward non functioning bikes, in contrast to the ski industry's trend toward skis that make monkeys look like mcconkeys. all the chopped riser bar, no-braked converted road bikes and "vintage" (read: torn from the dumpster) schwinn collegiates with inadequate brakes rolling around.
anyway, in about an hour and a half i'll be giving the woman next to me a really big hug when i pick her up at the airport. that'll cheer me up.

the science of sleep.

so, in reading the latest "nat geo" (cos i'm way too hip to call it "national geographic magazine") i stumbled across a frightening way to die: fatal familial insomnia. as someone who often sleeps far too much and never feels like he gets enough sleep, this malady sounds even more insidious than it already is. which is saying something, cos basically what happens in this rare condition--only forty families in the world are known to carry the gene that causes it--is you stop sleeping and die within a year. i cannot imagine waking up one day when i'm in my early fifties--when the disease apparently ramps up--and realising that i might never sleep again.

on that note, i'll attempt to describe my day. it was a whirlwind of activity. starting last night when i partied myself into bed at the late hour of 10.30. exhausted, i tossed and turned for at least five minutes before falling asleep. i then proceeded to sleep for 10 hours straight. upon arrival in the lower reaches of the castle i'm sitting, i took care of business, fed the dog, walked the dog--ah, such fury!--and set about figuring the day. after some consternation about how to establish a beachhead at the buffet, to quote richard russo, i decided upon a nice coffee shop in the "quaint little city" of buckley. (quoting here a letter writer in the enumclaw courier-herald some years back.) the owner brewed up a piquant little decaf raspberry mocha for me and toasted a rambunctious bagel and i set about reading the latest episode of "mountain bike magazine: a supplement to rodale, inc.". it was truly epic.
i exited the shop after slaking my needs and headed for the auto parts mart. in enumclaw, there are two choices: the semi-local franchise of the napa auto parts chain and the utterly corporate "shuck's". being of sound mind and body, i chose the more "local" of the two. i purchased five quarts of 5w-30 at $4.09 (!) a quart and a #1334 oil filter for around 10 bucks and was on my way. at my parents' house i hoisted the hood of the subie and proceeded to change my oil. it's a sometimes dirty task, but satisfying. i also added some "rain-x" washer fluid to my reservoir and slammed the hood on a satisfying morning. for lunch i consumed some ambitious "teriyaki" beef jerky from the local meat shop, which in coincidence only is owned by a neighbour of my parents who also used to supply sodas to the gas station where i once penned my early epics. i then spent a contemplative hour at the local fort of the "les schwab" empire while my brakes were checked (a-ok!) and my winter tires were swapped for summer tires.
while waiting for the gentlemen to perform their sacred car-type duties, i perused the newspaper, a rare pleasure, and learned of taylor mays' disenlightenment with the pete carroll dynasty. mr mays was disappointed that coach carroll had not adequately prepared him for the NFL draft of this weekend; he was taken in the high forties instead of the first two decades of the draft as he had hoped and as coach carroll had assured him he would be taken. the seachickens had apparently drafted at the #14 spot a safety (mr mays' position, natch) from, get this, the university of texas! the horror! now, instead of returning home to roost in glory in his hometown, mr mays must instead prospect for fool's gold in the land of ronnie lott and rice-a-roni. the shame! i also read of danielle lawrie's continued domination of all college sports. i swelled with the pride of knowing that somewhere in montlake, some canadièn is changing the world, one strikeout at a time!
from then, the day is a haze of activity. a dinner party with my parents, a shred sesh with the aforementioned "nat geo", a long distance "convo" with the woman next to me in which we traded salvos on the solving of world hunger and how to dissipate the world economic crisis. i took in some local news and learned that some jerk in a pickup had dumped hydraulic fluid into elliot bay at myrtle edwards park, home of the ever-important hempfest. though the anchor did not release the name of the perpetrator, i will: it was greg nickels. it could not have been anyone else, except maybe former city attourney tom carr.
along the way, it rained. and was sunny. and windy. and everything in between.
good day!

apparently the drought is over.

i heard it was finally raining in southeast australia. good to know.

so, i'm moving back to ballard for the summer. this is most definitely ('mos def') frightening. i saw all kinda people already, and i ain't even live there. in commemoration, i am writing in the nude, drinking a samuel adams' "old fezziwig" ale, listening to the fridge and wondering what is going on outside. last i checked, it was raining, but that can change with the "quickety-quickness". speaking of the "quickety-quickness", i've noticed some important changes in the "ballardway": wendy is no longer at "cupcake", but rather at aster; i have a new shop manager (read: kinda sorta boss); i am "facebook official", as the woman next to me changed her status from "single" to "in a relationship" and it's raining. . .when i left, it was not raining. not sure what that's about. this "old fezziwig" is pretty darn righteous.

some thoughts, as the woman next to me is in "idaho" (wherever that is) and left her celly in my care--i'd like to say it's cos she trusts me, but really she simply forgot it at the house i'm sitting on her way to the aeroplane--and can't receive texts so my head's jus "chalk" fulla all kinda random shit i gotta get out. (conveniently "bullet perioded".)

.i hate getting out of the shower and immediately farting. feels like i gotta take a hole nother shower.
.qwest claims that "house phones are the next big thing". hm. maybe in steep walled drainages that have "cell block" chicken wire and "anti-satellite" tin foil strewn all about and have towns with names like "potsticker" and "piebald gulch" and "remus' left ventricle".
.spiders freak me out. last night on the way to enumclaw from phinney ditch i saw one on the inside of my windshield and shrieked like a four year old girl. almost broke my hand killing it. made faces at all the drivers on the viaduct. morned the inevitable loss of the viaduct. starting weeping. cursed greg nickels. almost drove off the viaduct in frustration. all because of a spider.
.i really like "b" vitamins. i don't know what their nutritional functions are, but i totally dig peeing that nuclear yellow-green every time i drink an odwalla "blueberry b".
.the elder roommate now has a new volvo. i'm a light shade of green.
.the doggy i'm "sitting" (never mind that she never sits when i ask) poops a lot. i hafta shovel like a heathen in the time of noah tryna bail his hut out.
.zits are funny.
.my beer is empty.
.volvo is a funny word. crazy swedes and their "family tanks".
.eating food when you're naked is awkward.
.i think ima start calling my beard "food velcro". cut out the middleman that way.
.recipe for "Deer Repellant": mix one egg and one cup water. pour into a one qt spray bottle. add one tspoon dish soap, then fill with water. let sit in sun for three days until it's putrefied. one squirt on each plant does it.
.i think ima start tattooing every scar i get. they fade way too quickly. i got a big ring scar on my left calf from september of '05 that you can hardly see anymore! NOT ACCEPTABLE!!!!
.and while we're on the subject, i want a flat water kayak.

carry on!

clarifications.

hm. . .apparently i thought maggie gyllenhall was "unbelievable". she was not. "less believable as a mother than robin williams as a mother" would be the correct answer.
anyway. i had a buncha stuff to write about, but i've forgot it all. as my father would say, "musta been a lie."
i received a righteous comment today from a fellow crystal mountain denizen: (poorly quoted, but emotionally accurate.) "you always go around with a look on your face like you don't even want anyone to talk to you!" well, D'UH!!!!
i have a confession to make: i hafta go back to the "real world" in just over a week, and i'm ill-prepared. i've been strangely social this winter, even happy, and i ain't sure i have the sheer volume of hate in me it takes to survive a seattle summer. i mean, aside from cursing about seattle in the shop a couple weeks ago and subsequently getting a couple complaints about my language and attitude and one time landing on the salomon america warranty department "shit list" for telling a dude who worked there to "do [his] f*(&^% job" and almost getting a $550 negligent ticket for 59 in a 35 on the boulevard, i've been remarkably calm. i've been to (count em!) THREE potlucks and TWO taco tuesdays, a work dinner and a lot of "olympics parties" and i bought a ticket to the dirtbag ball (lotsa drunk tourists and some REEEEEEEEEEEEEALLY drunk locals) and almost attended and, oddly enough, i enjoyed myself all the while. curse you, feminine wiles!!! my carefully crafted walls aren't quite so high anymore!!! HOW DO I ARROGANTLY STARE DOWN MOTORISTS AND FORCE THEM TO DO MY BIDDING WITHOUT (much) QUICKLY ACCESSIBLE ANGER?!?!?!?!?! HUH?!?!?!?!?!!??!!
and since we're alla sudden "conversating", ima add a few sense: "ethically diverse" police forces sound pretty righteous. since the formerly "short-lived" political correctness movement is now in its fourth or fifth decade, why not spread the "luvin"? after the question about "ethnicity" we could answer questions like "do you believe it is 'wrong' to shoot a suspect for having a pierced lip?" and "how many bites from the K-9 unit is enough to subdue a suspect who's 'wilin out'?" we could have quotas: for every two "guileless joe" schlabotniks we could have one sarah "machiavelli" potter. if a brutality complaint was logged, we could hide behind "ethical diversity"; if an officer believes it's okay to throw a fifteen year old girl to the ground and punch the livin $#!@ out of her cos she took her shoe off "aggressively", then sorry, kids, that's the law. can't discriminate against dudes who have no conscience. hiring would involve the top candidates from the "by the book" list as well as the "failed third grade morals" list. if you miss the "good cop" cut, you could always "join the dark side". maybe bribe a few public officials. work your way into a theft ring and then apply for a job to make yourself the ring's "protection". food, at any rate, for thought.
today was my 103rd day of skiing since 11 november. SNOCKA!!! now if i could remember how to tie my shoes. or use a fork.

weighing in on the last post

There is a blind spot in the refrigerator on the bottom shelf at the very back in the middle, where I hide cans of SanPellegrino fizzy lemonade or orangeade so I will be the only one that gets to drink them. Lately, when I do it, I think "TRUE: I am not laying on my back in my chair on the floor laughing all by myself...." and I do not know if I am jealous or not.

Depends on how you look at it,

your membership in this Hermit Club, that is.

There are times when it's a good thing; when no one is around to notice that you've eaten more of the Starbucks Frappaccino Chip ice cream than you'd meant to. Or when you left dirty dishes in the sink till morning. Yuk!

But then it's not always so great either. Like when I plopped into my big easy chair and it v-e-r-r-r-r-y slowly tipped over backwards, and there I was, feet in the air like a turned-over-turtle, laughing foolishly and wishing there'd been someone to witness it, to take a picture to put on the fridge with all the other nonsense on the door.

Like the time I heard something on the roof ? ? ? overnight, and had to just turn over and say "Oh, well. . . "

Like last week when I heard a bit on the local news about our police, and the reporter said we really needed a more "ethically diverse" force. Now THAT'S a thought! (And no one to share my awe of it!)

I'm going to drink a gallon of ice water with my NEVER ENDING PIE

As the Pie sat in in the refrigerator, the top crust (of the crumbly "dutch pea gravel" type) allowed the marionberries to spread sloooooo-o--o-o-wly outward into the gap left by the eaten pieces. The crust slid with it. Somehow it did not make the pie any noticably flatter.

Nobody else in her house liked Pie, and the guests had departed insisting that Pie would be inconvenient in their hotel.

Thus the pie was ALL HERS, and it appeared to be never ending.

"Just one for dinner?"

I've taken to beating the maitre'd to the inevitable query by saying "There'll be fewer than three at my table."


Stops'm cold!


I don't mind eating alone at a restaurant, and no, I don't loose myself in a book either, at least not if the food is good. But ONE is a respectable number. In fact, all the other numbers depend on it. Without ONE, you can't have two or 100 or 1000! It is never JUST, in any way.


Now if I could figure out a way to stop the waiter from briskly removing the other place settings, always with an air of disappointment or resignation, or is it realization that the tip will be smaller at this table with "just one" diner sitting there?


I'm pretty good company, to myself or to others. Join me?

calvin and hobbes.

i miss that show. a lot. did bill waterson die? go crazy? why are none of my favourite comic strips funny anymore? last time i read "get fuzzy" it was like "family circle" on heroin. poop. and "the boondocks" seems more like it was written by a bored white guy in the seventies tryna be edgy.
last night the woman next to me and i had a similar experince to the hopper-at-the-dogpark anecdote, except it was with mosquitoes along the white. and they weren't dancing and playing. and we killed as many as possible. and we were alone, but not separate from each other. in fact, it was less like edward hopper and more like the archetypal monet, maybe the bridge at argentuíl. except for the women with parasols and the bridge and the smoky boats on the water and the fact that the two rivers couldn't be more different. there was water and shadows and trees and grass, so there's something in common, i guess. there were dogs involved at one point, but they knew each other. one was a black lab with a red collar named, of all things, "blue". then we had tacos. tacos are pretty righteous. probly an "8" on the FBC scale of "food awesomeness". we also had beers. i had a "mud slinger", which is a seasonal brew; oddly enough not aligned with "elections season" but rather "early spring", which is to say mid february. speaking of february, it din't really snow in february.
oh! i have some movie reviews:
"avatar" by JAMES FKN CAMERON: no ryan bingham.
"sherlock holmes" starring some dudes: no ryan bingham. i think there's a coke nose, but i din't see the movie.
"crazy heart" starring "the dude" and "that scottish or irish dude with the heavy eyebrows" as "dirty" country singers who actually have clear, good voices but are somehow kinda patterned after the highwaymen: RYAN BINGHAM!! oh wait, there he goes. no more ryan bingham. I WANNA HEAR THAT SONG!!!!! maggie gyllenhall, unbelieveable as a writer and struggling mom. I WANNA HEAR THAT SONG!!!!! really cool moment where waylon's "are you sure hank done em this way" came on. oops, roll the suburban off the highway. "write" a line for the song. maggie yells at the dude, then starts to cry. more drama. the dude goes home to houston. more drama. maggie doesn't wanna see the dude again. dude's son won't talk to him. dude struggles with the song. JUST PLAY THE (*#&$(&*#$(&*^ SONG!!!!! changes the song. screen goes black. "sixteen months later". . . oh yeah. somewhere in there, the dude sobers up. robert duvall as a sober bartender. and, finally, the song. done by the scottish or irish dude with the heavy eyebrows. i have a rewrite suggestion: WAY MORE RYAN BINGHAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
that is all.

Only the dogs had fun. . . .

I sat in my car, eating a "tyke-a-why" (drive-thru carry-out tucker) next to a city park - - more accurately, next to a "doggie park" where owners let their dogs run loose within a fenced and gated area.

Eight or 10 dogs of different breeds ran and chased, tumbled and leaped at and over each other, while their owners,widely spaced, just stood, silently watching their canine kids. They reminded me of parents around the swings in a park, watching their children.

I felt I was observing a virtual rendition of a painting by an American artist (whose name alludes me.) His people, though in close proximity, are always solitary, in a bubble as it were of their own thought.

But the dogs . . . THEY had the fun!

job application.

the end of winter is bearing down on us with a singularly great and terrible vengeance. in this season of seasonal adjustments like moving far away and trying to find a job, i offer this job application. it's very specific; i think i deserve to be an "advice columnist" for a major cycling publication. basically ima write an advice column and all y'all can read and see just how damn hireable i am. if you need a "resume", check the blog's history. "all ready" done got posted.

i have trouble riding bikes that cost a lot of money. can you help?

of course i can! first of all: GET SICKER!!! obviously, the only bikes you should be riding are expensive ones. just cos your wallet is thinner than prefontaine on dexatrim doesn't mean you shouldn't go into debt to get what you "deserve" like the rest of the US. if, however, by "trouble" you mean "i can't see for all the bling and carboninium", take heart; cars can't see you anyway, so why would you want to be able to see? make like a williamsburg hipster and ride like you own the city! if you run into shit, it ain't your fault!

i'm doing a triathalon in 3 weeks. what bike should i buy?

go to kMart. they got all kinds up on the wall.

how can i make my bike better than my sister-in-law's?

that depends. is you sister-in-law a hipster? if so, you can't. whatever she's doing is mysterious and wonderful and you can't hope to keep up. otherwise, follow the FBC bike awesomeness flow chart: start with small baubles that cost a lot. $40 bar tape, valve stem bullets, capo forma arm warmers, that sorta thing. move on to things that will make you uncomfortable, like a selle italia carboninium saddle. get some sidi ergo 2s from the most exclusive shop you can find so you don't hafta worry about any of those pesky discounts. maybe some vitorria open corsa evo cx tires. $110 apiece is peace of mind!! then some zero gravity brakes. cos hey! why stop quickly when you can have brakes that have negative drag coefficients?! next, a wipperman stainless chain. again, $110 is peace of mind. did i mention the campy record 11 cassette? on "sale" now at coloradocyclist for ONLY $295.99! how bout mavic r-sys wheelset? remember, anything you spend above and beyond ludicrous is just gravy. and if you and only you can tell how awesome your bike is, you've won the game.

can you give me some training tips? i'm doing the STP in july and i wanna get started now.

the best cyclists all eat like pigs. "carbo load", protein shakes, all that. and if lance armstrong is to be believed, drink lotsa michelob ultra. i mean, nothing says "cyclist" like following a fading icon with a righteous PR machine. sleep a lot; if someone claims to want a "training ride", tell em you just did hill repeats last night and you hafta lay flat to let the lactic acid drain away. learn to pose. go into as many shops as you can and ask the question you just asked me. talk about "carbo lodaing" and protein shakes, your righteous new tires and the carboninium crank you just found on eBay. mechanics are notoriously awestruck people. lastly, whatever else you do, do NOT ride the chilly hilly out on bainbridge. it's an actual ride with actual hills and actual weather. nobody in his (or her!) right mind would want that. too much discomfort. really lastly, have your mechanic build you a wheel on the spot the thursday before STP when no other shop can even afford the time to look at you, and then walk away without even a "thank you", let alone a tip. mechanics totally dig that shit. and if they get pissed, they're also really forgiving. really. they won't remember you at all.

anyway, that should give you a picture of my genius. and again, don't be afraid to peruse my "rèsümê".