I sat in my car, eating a "tyke-a-why" (drive-thru carry-out tucker) next to a city park - - more accurately, next to a "doggie park" where owners let their dogs run loose within a fenced and gated area.
Eight or 10 dogs of different breeds ran and chased, tumbled and leaped at and over each other, while their owners,widely spaced, just stood, silently watching their canine kids. They reminded me of parents around the swings in a park, watching their children.
I felt I was observing a virtual rendition of a painting by an American artist (whose name alludes me.) His people, though in close proximity, are always solitary, in a bubble as it were of their own thought.
But the dogs . . . THEY had the fun!
27 February 2010
24 February 2010
job application.
the end of winter is bearing down on us with a singularly great and terrible vengeance. in this season of seasonal adjustments like moving far away and trying to find a job, i offer this job application. it's very specific; i think i deserve to be an "advice columnist" for a major cycling publication. basically ima write an advice column and all y'all can read and see just how damn hireable i am. if you need a "resume", check the blog's history. "all ready" done got posted.
i have trouble riding bikes that cost a lot of money. can you help?
of course i can! first of all: GET SICKER!!! obviously, the only bikes you should be riding are expensive ones. just cos your wallet is thinner than prefontaine on dexatrim doesn't mean you shouldn't go into debt to get what you "deserve" like the rest of the US. if, however, by "trouble" you mean "i can't see for all the bling and carboninium", take heart; cars can't see you anyway, so why would you want to be able to see? make like a williamsburg hipster and ride like you own the city! if you run into shit, it ain't your fault!
i'm doing a triathalon in 3 weeks. what bike should i buy?
go to kMart. they got all kinds up on the wall.
how can i make my bike better than my sister-in-law's?
that depends. is you sister-in-law a hipster? if so, you can't. whatever she's doing is mysterious and wonderful and you can't hope to keep up. otherwise, follow the FBC bike awesomeness flow chart: start with small baubles that cost a lot. $40 bar tape, valve stem bullets, capo forma arm warmers, that sorta thing. move on to things that will make you uncomfortable, like a selle italia carboninium saddle. get some sidi ergo 2s from the most exclusive shop you can find so you don't hafta worry about any of those pesky discounts. maybe some vitorria open corsa evo cx tires. $110 apiece is peace of mind!! then some zero gravity brakes. cos hey! why stop quickly when you can have brakes that have negative drag coefficients?! next, a wipperman stainless chain. again, $110 is peace of mind. did i mention the campy record 11 cassette? on "sale" now at coloradocyclist for ONLY $295.99! how bout mavic r-sys wheelset? remember, anything you spend above and beyond ludicrous is just gravy. and if you and only you can tell how awesome your bike is, you've won the game.
can you give me some training tips? i'm doing the STP in july and i wanna get started now.
the best cyclists all eat like pigs. "carbo load", protein shakes, all that. and if lance armstrong is to be believed, drink lotsa michelob ultra. i mean, nothing says "cyclist" like following a fading icon with a righteous PR machine. sleep a lot; if someone claims to want a "training ride", tell em you just did hill repeats last night and you hafta lay flat to let the lactic acid drain away. learn to pose. go into as many shops as you can and ask the question you just asked me. talk about "carbo lodaing" and protein shakes, your righteous new tires and the carboninium crank you just found on eBay. mechanics are notoriously awestruck people. lastly, whatever else you do, do NOT ride the chilly hilly out on bainbridge. it's an actual ride with actual hills and actual weather. nobody in his (or her!) right mind would want that. too much discomfort. really lastly, have your mechanic build you a wheel on the spot the thursday before STP when no other shop can even afford the time to look at you, and then walk away without even a "thank you", let alone a tip. mechanics totally dig that shit. and if they get pissed, they're also really forgiving. really. they won't remember you at all.
anyway, that should give you a picture of my genius. and again, don't be afraid to peruse my "rèsümê".
i have trouble riding bikes that cost a lot of money. can you help?
of course i can! first of all: GET SICKER!!! obviously, the only bikes you should be riding are expensive ones. just cos your wallet is thinner than prefontaine on dexatrim doesn't mean you shouldn't go into debt to get what you "deserve" like the rest of the US. if, however, by "trouble" you mean "i can't see for all the bling and carboninium", take heart; cars can't see you anyway, so why would you want to be able to see? make like a williamsburg hipster and ride like you own the city! if you run into shit, it ain't your fault!
i'm doing a triathalon in 3 weeks. what bike should i buy?
go to kMart. they got all kinds up on the wall.
how can i make my bike better than my sister-in-law's?
that depends. is you sister-in-law a hipster? if so, you can't. whatever she's doing is mysterious and wonderful and you can't hope to keep up. otherwise, follow the FBC bike awesomeness flow chart: start with small baubles that cost a lot. $40 bar tape, valve stem bullets, capo forma arm warmers, that sorta thing. move on to things that will make you uncomfortable, like a selle italia carboninium saddle. get some sidi ergo 2s from the most exclusive shop you can find so you don't hafta worry about any of those pesky discounts. maybe some vitorria open corsa evo cx tires. $110 apiece is peace of mind!! then some zero gravity brakes. cos hey! why stop quickly when you can have brakes that have negative drag coefficients?! next, a wipperman stainless chain. again, $110 is peace of mind. did i mention the campy record 11 cassette? on "sale" now at coloradocyclist for ONLY $295.99! how bout mavic r-sys wheelset? remember, anything you spend above and beyond ludicrous is just gravy. and if you and only you can tell how awesome your bike is, you've won the game.
can you give me some training tips? i'm doing the STP in july and i wanna get started now.
the best cyclists all eat like pigs. "carbo load", protein shakes, all that. and if lance armstrong is to be believed, drink lotsa michelob ultra. i mean, nothing says "cyclist" like following a fading icon with a righteous PR machine. sleep a lot; if someone claims to want a "training ride", tell em you just did hill repeats last night and you hafta lay flat to let the lactic acid drain away. learn to pose. go into as many shops as you can and ask the question you just asked me. talk about "carbo lodaing" and protein shakes, your righteous new tires and the carboninium crank you just found on eBay. mechanics are notoriously awestruck people. lastly, whatever else you do, do NOT ride the chilly hilly out on bainbridge. it's an actual ride with actual hills and actual weather. nobody in his (or her!) right mind would want that. too much discomfort. really lastly, have your mechanic build you a wheel on the spot the thursday before STP when no other shop can even afford the time to look at you, and then walk away without even a "thank you", let alone a tip. mechanics totally dig that shit. and if they get pissed, they're also really forgiving. really. they won't remember you at all.
anyway, that should give you a picture of my genius. and again, don't be afraid to peruse my "rèsümê".
20 February 2010
lying sunshine
2 trees had pink blossoms. Foolish people walked around outside in shorts and goosepimples. An email arrived from Nottingham England complaining that they got their winter and ours too and were wearing balaclava helmets under bobble hats just to take the rubbish out, and we said well there was a good side to everything then.
10 February 2010
our hundredth post!!
oddly enough, yesterday was my ten year anniversary as the most awesome telemarker in the white river drainage, and today was my sixtieth day of skiing this winter. a veritable plethora of milestones.
some minutiae (arcane or not); see if you can tell truthiness from fictibility:
.my older brother got a mcarther grant to study the effect of skiing on sixth graders in elbonia.
.i burned my forearm on the iron last thursday.
.i've been on four "real 'date' dates" in a week.
.i've decided to move to switzerland somewhere in the next ten years.
.i'm completely awesome.
."k2 skis" is a four letter word.
anyway, it's been a slow two weeks in the drainage. some snow, a few sunnybreaks and an absent landlord. i went to a superbowl party on sunday where we who had to work all day watched the superbowl in delay. i think most of us cheered when new orleans won. i did, anyway. the woman sitting next to me, we'll call her "awesome" as well, just like me, doesn't like football. it was kinda funny. i got all stoked at the last interception that sealed the game and she looked up quizzically from her magazine, surprised that i have any visible emotion, and said "what happened?" like the guy in "a mighty wind". i like her, though, just the same. she tips in beer. and our first date last week was a "ski date". (oops! gave one of the "truthinesses" away.) where we drank beer. plus she chased me through a zone this recent monday that intimidates me. snocka!
the woman sitting next to me is planning on taking her PSIA level 3 test this year, which is ski instructor speak for "y'all best kneel before my boots and kiss my toe boxes", so i decided i'd create my own "rubricks" for measuring skiers' awesomeness:
level 1: turn both ways and stop.
level 2: turn both ways and stop.
level 3: turn both ways and stop.
should be easy to create an examination for that. i'll make millions!!
i've also decided to stop calling anything a "boot". "boot" is too percussive and accusitory. "shoe" is a cool word, like "groovy" and "agave nectar". plus, if it's good enough for fifty dollars worth of soft leather, it's good enough for a thousand dollars worth of overpriced plastic and gluten. tele shoe, cowboy shoe, snowboard shoe. . .i'm changin the world, one breath at a time.
lastly, my landlord's satellite tv people changed the satellite radio they carry. my favourite station ever, "outlaw country", is no longer at my fingertips. i wanna cry pedal steel tears and scream "dallas wayne! why hast thou left me all alone in the drainage with no ryan bingham to ease my soul?"
oh yeah. two sundays ago i toe released at fbc speed and tomahawked for 200 feet. THAT was awesome. the "magazine" term for this is "yard sale", but i prefer to think of it as a "righteous display of sickness".
some minutiae (arcane or not); see if you can tell truthiness from fictibility:
.my older brother got a mcarther grant to study the effect of skiing on sixth graders in elbonia.
.i burned my forearm on the iron last thursday.
.i've been on four "real 'date' dates" in a week.
.i've decided to move to switzerland somewhere in the next ten years.
.i'm completely awesome.
."k2 skis" is a four letter word.
anyway, it's been a slow two weeks in the drainage. some snow, a few sunnybreaks and an absent landlord. i went to a superbowl party on sunday where we who had to work all day watched the superbowl in delay. i think most of us cheered when new orleans won. i did, anyway. the woman sitting next to me, we'll call her "awesome" as well, just like me, doesn't like football. it was kinda funny. i got all stoked at the last interception that sealed the game and she looked up quizzically from her magazine, surprised that i have any visible emotion, and said "what happened?" like the guy in "a mighty wind". i like her, though, just the same. she tips in beer. and our first date last week was a "ski date". (oops! gave one of the "truthinesses" away.) where we drank beer. plus she chased me through a zone this recent monday that intimidates me. snocka!
the woman sitting next to me is planning on taking her PSIA level 3 test this year, which is ski instructor speak for "y'all best kneel before my boots and kiss my toe boxes", so i decided i'd create my own "rubricks" for measuring skiers' awesomeness:
level 1: turn both ways and stop.
level 2: turn both ways and stop.
level 3: turn both ways and stop.
should be easy to create an examination for that. i'll make millions!!
i've also decided to stop calling anything a "boot". "boot" is too percussive and accusitory. "shoe" is a cool word, like "groovy" and "agave nectar". plus, if it's good enough for fifty dollars worth of soft leather, it's good enough for a thousand dollars worth of overpriced plastic and gluten. tele shoe, cowboy shoe, snowboard shoe. . .i'm changin the world, one breath at a time.
lastly, my landlord's satellite tv people changed the satellite radio they carry. my favourite station ever, "outlaw country", is no longer at my fingertips. i wanna cry pedal steel tears and scream "dallas wayne! why hast thou left me all alone in the drainage with no ryan bingham to ease my soul?"
oh yeah. two sundays ago i toe released at fbc speed and tomahawked for 200 feet. THAT was awesome. the "magazine" term for this is "yard sale", but i prefer to think of it as a "righteous display of sickness".
Can someone tell me
Why a television is referred to as a "set"?
What it looks like when someone "hunkers down"?
When it will stop snowing on the east coast?
If it will start snowing here in PNW? (Not that I want some; just wanna know when I can safely take off my snow tires.)
If 11 A.M. is too early to eat lunch?
If this color looks good on me?
Do pet bunnies come when they're called? (Considering pet acquisiton.)
If I'm boring you. . . . . .
GOOD!
What it looks like when someone "hunkers down"?
When it will stop snowing on the east coast?
If it will start snowing here in PNW? (Not that I want some; just wanna know when I can safely take off my snow tires.)
If 11 A.M. is too early to eat lunch?
If this color looks good on me?
Do pet bunnies come when they're called? (Considering pet acquisiton.)
If I'm boring you. . . . . .
GOOD!
05 February 2010
Wow: the February 8th Newsweek's cover article is a really thorough article about anti-depressants & research showing they test as only slightly more effective than placebos for treating depression.
There is also a half page opposing opinion article, but the doctor who wrote it mentions placebos only once in the rebuttal and doesn't seem to really understand what it means for something to be not much better than a placebo. He lost his sister in the World Trade Center bombing, which certainly seems like a good reason to be depressed if there is one.
Here is a link: http://www.newsweek.com/id/232781
There is also a half page opposing opinion article, but the doctor who wrote it mentions placebos only once in the rebuttal and doesn't seem to really understand what it means for something to be not much better than a placebo. He lost his sister in the World Trade Center bombing, which certainly seems like a good reason to be depressed if there is one.
Here is a link: http://www.newsweek.com/id/232781
02 February 2010
Where HAVE I been? you've all been asking......
Well, I've spent every waking hour trying to get out of the very low, and low scoring section of Boggle. Not having played Boggle till I was almost a gramma, perhaps I am at a disadvantage? Anyway, I just played a game, and here are some of the words I did NOT see (curve raisers out there....)
arse, dern, demy, nares, nef, nurs, reny, runed, ser, smur, unde, yar, yare, aue, myna, yuan, yug, yugs, ugs, ren, rems, nur, nares, gus, ary, and on and on and on.
I'm not sure all those words are words, and if they are, whether they'd be allowed in Scrabble, at least. But having said that, let me assure you I spend a minimal amount of time on this site, since a game takes I think 4 minutes, and to get yet another "LOW" sends me to another website where I can BUY something!
arse, dern, demy, nares, nef, nurs, reny, runed, ser, smur, unde, yar, yare, aue, myna, yuan, yug, yugs, ugs, ren, rems, nur, nares, gus, ary, and on and on and on.
I'm not sure all those words are words, and if they are, whether they'd be allowed in Scrabble, at least. But having said that, let me assure you I spend a minimal amount of time on this site, since a game takes I think 4 minutes, and to get yet another "LOW" sends me to another website where I can BUY something!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)